Lawyers Creed
Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
One Liners
No long setups, no complicated backstories. Just the fastest laughs on the internet.
Egyptologist
The Egyptologist sneezed: Hapshepsut!
Fat Chance
Ever notice that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
How to Calculate the Cost of Living
Take your income and add 10%
Solutions
Every solution breeds new problems.
$1,000,000
Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery?
You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!
Me Against the World
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
-- Robert Orben
Maternity Ward
Sign seen on a maternity-ward door:
Push! Push! Push!
Bumper Sticker Rebuttal
Seen on a bumper sticker:
"I don't care who's on board, what you love, who you brake for or what you'd rather be doing."
Someone
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I
should have been more specific."
-Jane Wagner
Karate
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
-Dave Barry
Model
Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.
Neat Nurse
Then there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed.
Three Bears
Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.
Complex
"Madame," said the psychiatrist, "you haven't got a complex; you ARE inferior."
Hollywood Story
The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"
Roman Holidays
The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.
Gas
I wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?
Old-fashioned Way
I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.
Headline
Actual Newspaper Headline:
Kids Make Great Snacks For Teachers.
Cough
Overheard in a doctor's waiting room:
"My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."
Pigeon and Woodpecker
Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?
He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.
Zen
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
Hillary, Monica, and Bill
"For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!." ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill