Cholesterol
I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.
One Liners
No long setups, no complicated backstories. Just the fastest laughs on the internet.
Success
Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!
Freeway
When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.
Daffynition
antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Good Way
A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.
Golden
Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.
Insomnia
I'm such an insomniac, the sheep fall asleep before I do.
I Know
I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.
She So Fat
Yo mamma so fat when she wears high heels 2 hours later they're flip flops.
Skittles
Yo mama so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles came out!
Searching
It is said that "it is always in the last place you look"
Well of course! Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it?
Actual Headline
An actual headline: "Include Your Children When Baking Cookies"
Actual Headline#2
An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"
Headline#3
An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
Headline#4
An actual headline: Deer Kill 17,000
Sword
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Pressure
Q: Why do women fart less than men?
A: Because they won't shut up long enough to
build up pressure.
Complaining Wife
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Perfect Idiot
People say you are the perfect idiot. I say you are not perfect, but you are doing pretty good.
Stealing
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Abbr.
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Grandma
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
Cross-Country
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I Don't Exercise...
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.