Progress
If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?
One Liners
No long setups, no complicated backstories. Just the fastest laughs on the internet.
Pondering the afterlife
There was a dyslexic insomniac agnostic.
He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.
Infants vs Adults
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Pig
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Judgement
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Bayl
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl
Two Guys
Two guys walked into a bar... you would have thought the second one would have ducked.
The Darkest Hours
The darkest hours come just before the dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Always Remember
Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
If at First...
If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.
Give a Man a Fish...
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Point of Note
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Gap
The gap between your teeth is so big, I don't know whether to smile back or kick a field goal.
Sleep
You are so stupid, you took a ruler with you to bed to see how long you slept!
Around the House
You're so fat, when you sit around the house, you really sit around the house.
Thirty-two Rednecks
What do you call 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth!
Indecent
You're so ugly when you go outside your arrested for indecent exposure.
Birth Control
You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters.
Politics
Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures.
ATM
Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?
Women
Can women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Depression
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Birds
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Eagles
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.