Stereo
I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.
Misc
A hand-picked collection of the top misc jokes updated for 2026. Perfect for sharing with friends and family.
Bill at a Baseball Game
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts.
"No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
DMV
Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday? He tried to resign on Monday, but discovered he'd been standing in the wrong line.
Believer
"Please, God," the man prayed, "you know me. I'm always praying to you, yet I've had nothing but bad luck, misery and despair. Look at the butcher next door. He's never prayed in his life, and he enjoys prosperity, health and happiness. How come a believer like me is always in trouble, and he's always doing so well?"
"Because," a voice boomed from the heavens, "the butcher doesn't bug me, that's why!"
Pregnant
What two things in the air can make a blonde pregnant?
Her Legs
Early Aviation
From the instruction manual for the first stewardesses (in 1930):
Keep the clock and altimeter wound up.
Carry a railroad timetable in case the plane is grounded.
Warn the passengers against throwing their cigars and cigarettes out the windows.
Keep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory to be sure they don't mistakenly go out the emergency exit.
How to Kill a Blond
Q. How do you kill a blond?
A. Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Keeping a Blonde Busy
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)
Blondes & Santa
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and Santa Claus were invited to a party.
On the way, the dumb blonde's car broke down. The smart blonde missed the bus. Two of Santa Claus' reindeer ran away.
Who got to the party first?
The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist!
Vending Machine
A blonde was standing in front of a vending machine. She put in a dollar, pushed a button and a coke came out. She put in another dollar, pushed a different button and an iced tea came out. The blonde kept doing this, until the man behind her became impatient. "Excuse me, can I just get a drink, THEN you can continue whatever you're doing???" "No way!" exclaimed the blonde. "I'm not giving up this machine when I'm winning!"
At The Airport
Two women were sitting beside each other in the airport.
"Where are you flying to?", the woman on the right asked.
With an attitude, the other replied "You should never end a sentece with the word 'to'".
"Ok", said the woman on the right. "Where are you flying to, bitch?"
I'm Dreaming
A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. "Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What's wrong with me, Doc?".
"It's simple. You're just two tents".
Coast Gaurd Bumper Sticker
This is off a Coast Guard bumper sticker:
Support Search and Rescue: GET LOST!
Kitten of the Dorm
My college doesn't allow pets in my dorm, so when I got a kitten I had the guys in my dorm refer to him as "the Book" to avoid suspicion.
One morning, as I carried the kitten out to my car in a crate, my girlfriend stopped me and asked, "where are you taking the Book?"
"She's getting Spayed today," I said.
"Hmm..." she said. "I guess that means no sequels!"
Even More Famous Last Words
Famous Last Words
"We'll be safe here, trust me."
"Who cares about the severe weather warning, those forecasters are always wrong anyway."
"We're not as high up as it looks, here I'll show you."
"Who cares about those heart condition warnings anyway, I wanna ride this thing!"
"My friend did this a while ago. I don't know how it turned out, I haven't seen him since."
"It's just a slight tingle."
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!???"
Gun Shop Robbery
I broke in to a gun shop last week. I didn't know that the owner lived on-site. He must have spent every night for the last ten years thinking of what he would do to the poor, hapless soul who would try to break in. I pointed my gun at him and he held up a grenade as he ran at me. I should be able to breath again in a few years. The old shopkeeper is dead, but, man, he got a hell of a laugh in before he left the world, Kamikaze style.
Hardest Word
3 people were asked to find the "hardest" word in the dictionary. One person found the word "happiness". One person found the word"photosynthesis". The last person found the word "dick".
What Do Railroad Tracks...
What do railroad tracks and blondes have in common?
They are both laid all over America!
How Do You Get a Blonde to Laugh on Friday?
How do you get a blonde to laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday!
Blondesssss
What does a blonde do when she wakes up?
She goes home!
Why Are.....
Why are constipated people so mean and rude?
..because they don't give a crap!
Bungee Jump
What do hookers and bungee jump cords have in common?
They're both cheap, fast and if the rubber breaks, your dead!
Hunted
Bob and Bo are hunting. Bob had a sever case of diarrhea so he decided to stay and rest up. Bo goes out and kills a big deer and guts it. He then thinks it would be funny if he laid the deers guts in Bob's sleeping bag so he does and goes to sleep. Then he wakes up the next morning and see's that Bob and the guts are gone. Then he notices Bob and asks how's he feeling. Bob says, "My diarrhea was so bad I crapped my guts out but with God's grace and these two fingers I got them all back in."
Santa
Why does Santa have such big balls?
Because he only comes once a year!