Sign
Laundromat sign:
Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
Misc
A hand-picked collection of the top misc jokes updated for 2026. Perfect for sharing with friends and family.
Ouch, My Head!
Jack told me you told him that I told you that he was ugly, and I told you not to tell him I told you that!
It's his fault! I told him not to tell you I told him what you told me!
Well, don't let it happen again--and don't tell him I told you he told me.
Library Blonde
A blonde walked in a library and went to the librarian, pulls out a thick book and started screaming at her.
She yells, "THIS BOOK IS HORRIBLE! THERE ARE TOO MANY CHARACTERS AND NO PLOT WHATSOEVER!"
The librarian stares at her, then calmly replies, "So you're the one who took our phone book."
Bear Attack
Two guys are in the woods camping out when a bear attacks them. While the bear sniffs around the food, the first guy starts lacing up his sneakers.
The second guys goes, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!"
The first guy replies, "I dont need to; I only have to outrun you."
Boomerang
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
Psychic
What do you call a short psychic on the lam?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A small medium at large!
Trying on Shoes
A man goes into a shoe store and asks to try on a pair of shoes. They were a bit snug.
"Well, they feel a bit tight," says the man.
The salesman bends down and feels around. He suggests pulling the tongue out, then asks, "How do they feel now?"
"Well, dey shtill feel a bit thight"
Good News/Bad News
Bad news: A man fell out of an airplane
Good news: He had a parachute
Bad news: The parachute didn't work
Good news: There was a haystack beneath him
Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack
Good news: He missed the pitchfork
Bad news: He missed the haystack
Look Out For Cops
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.
"Are their lights on?"
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."
Two Blonds
Two blonds decided to go shopping. A few hours later they come out and the first blond realizes that she has locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. Finally, the first blond looks off into the distance and sees storm clouds. She turns to her friend and says, "Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the convertible top open!"
The Lingerie
Looking in the mall for a nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20- something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
Peacock
One day, an old man went to a teenager with spiked hair. He asked him, "Have you done anything crazy in your life?"
The teen replied, "No".
So the old man said, "Well, about 15 years ago, I was drunk, and I saw a porcupine. Now I am wondering if you are my son."
How Man Was Created
When Eve was first created, she had 3 breasts. She asks God, "What shall I do with this extra breast?" And God created Adam.
If Only Men Would Listen
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies,
"BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Square
Why are the blonde's boobs square?
She forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
Braincells
How do a blond's braincells die?
Alone.
Groups
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursdays
at 7:30 to 8:30, Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use
large double doors at the side entrance.
Dirty Things at Christmas
Did you get any under the tree?
I think your balls are hanging too low.
Check out Rudolph's honker!
Santa's sack is really bulging.
Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff.
Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
Can I interest you in some dark meat?
To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Faces
"I never forget a face. However, in your case, I'll
be glad to make an exception."
-Groucho Marx
Definition of Diplomacy
Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Lone Bones
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because it had no body to go with.
Tornado and Redneck Divorce
Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone's gonna lose a trailer.
Blonde Driving
A blonde was swerving all over the road, driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener."
Fire!
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yelled one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yelled the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!" they yelled.