Black, White and Red
What's black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
Misc
A hand-picked collection of the top misc jokes updated for 2026. Perfect for sharing with friends and family.
Guy with no Limbs
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean?
Bob!
Clever Blond
What do you call a blond with half a brain?
Gifted.
Dry Cleaners
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
I Said Up
A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, "Darn it, I said up."
How Does It Work?
An Engineering Major says "How does it work?"
A Science Major says "Why does it work?"
An Accounting Major says "How much will it cost?"
A Liberal Arts Major says "Do you want fries with that?"
34...34...34...
A brunette was walking down the middle of the street, saying "34...34...34" over and over again. A blonde stopped her and asked why she was doing that.
"Oh, it's great fun," replied the brunette. "You should try it".
So the blonde walked down the street repeating "34...34...34..." when all of a sudden a car sped by and ran her over.
The brunette then started walking down the road again, saying "35...35...35..."
Dating Blonde
How can you tell if a blonde woman has been dating?
By the belt buckle imprint on her forehead.
Blonde Deflowering
What does a blonde say when she loses her virginity?
"So are you guys all on the same team?"
Astounding Discovery
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom . . " All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
Chickens
One day there were two men walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided to ask what was in the sack.
When he asked, the man said, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm... Chicken sure sounds good tonight."
The other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack.
"Well, I'll tell you," replied the man, "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this here sack I'll give them both to you."
Arkansas Toothbrush
How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a "teethbrush".
Blonde Mechanics
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the mechanic.
The mechanic, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have some fun.
So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
Inventions
Blonde inventions:
Waterproof towel
Unbreakable egg
Submarine screen door
Solar powered flash light
Helicopter ejection seat
Inflatable dart board
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Closet
What do you call the skeleton of a blonde you find in a closet?
1950's Hide-n-seek champion.
Blondes Head
What's a blonde doing if her hands are covered tightly over her ears and her mouth is completely shut?
She's trying to hold onto a thought.
Ice Cubes
Why should you never ask a blonde to make ice cubes for you?
She'll never remember the recipe.
Marriage
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.
What will be her response?
"Is it mine?"
Grand Theft Auto
Why did the blonde steal a parked police car?
She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. (Porsche 911)
Vanna
Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
Bravery
What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
Santa
How does santa greet the three blonde sisters?
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Plane Trip
If you're on a plane going to California and you're stuck in an aisle seat how do you trick a blonde into giving you her window seat?
Tell her only the aisle seats are going to California.
New York
Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.