The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Laughter is the best medicine, and these doctor jokes are the perfect prescription.
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
A man awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed?" he said. "Is it night?"
A nurse replied, "No, it's just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
What did one virus say to the other virus?
Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!
Dickiedoo Disease: defined as the expansion of the adominal region of the human male to the point where it eliminates the view of the male's private part from its possessor. Translated into a more commonly used phrase "His belly sticks out further than his Dickiedoo!
Also know as Abdominalius Humongus and in some cases where the male appendage is not very large, this condition is known as Male Apparatus Non-existus.
One guy went to see a doctor because he had a hearing problem, so he met his friend and the conversation began!
First guy: "Did the doctor give you your test results?"
Second guy: "Yeah. Looks like all those years of phone sex caught up with me.
I have hearing AIDS."
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But... what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."
On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?"
He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing."
A couple visit a sex therapist, who asked the wife, "What's your main complaint about your sex life?
She replied, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The therapist asked the husband, "Is this true?"
He replied, "Well, not exactly, I don't suffer. She does."
Did You Know ....
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It is called the anal optic nerve.
It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
Some people have friends who are dwarfs, not me I have a friend who is a midget dwarf. He is the guy who poses for the sport trophys
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."
"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.
"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
"Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about the excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked.
"I don't understand it, Doc," Jonathan replied, "I just can't seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid."
"Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "It's your fork that's overactive."
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000.
Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171
Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188
Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more
dangerous than gun owners!
Two babies were born in the same hospital on the same day and ended up in adjacent basinettes in the nursery.
Eighty-five years later, by coincidence, each of them is admitted to the same hospital with a "terminal" diagnosis, and they end up in the same two-bed semi-private room.
And one of them rolls over and says to the other "So, what did you think?"
Thanks to Steven Wright
man having problems with premature ejaculation, went to the doctor to see what to do about it.doctor said try startling your self if you feel the urge to ejaculate.on the way home he buys a starter pistol. the guy excited to try the new idea, went home and was suprised to find his wife in the bed.after few minutes of fore play they were in the 69 position he was going to ejaculate so he fires the gun. his wife shits on his face bites 3 inchs off his dick and he still ejaculates prematurly.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I know a person who is an owl.
Doctor: Who?
Patient: Now I know two.
Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
"I'm having trouble with this new hearing aid," said the man to his audiologist.
"Really? Can you describe the symptoms?"
"Sure. Homer is fat and yellow, Marge has blue hair..."
Do this on a calculator! So here's the story: a woman had 69 boobs which was too too too much. So she went to 51st street and the doctor took all the time he had and ate all the boobs and she became boobless!
69 boobs
222 much
51st street
6922251 X time
6922251 X 8 ate
6922251 =55378008 flip your calculator, and she became boobless!
A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Doctor, doctor. I think I need glasses.
You sure do, sir. This is a flower shop.