Sausage-Collection
Patient:"Doctor,my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages."
Psychiatrist: "Rubbish! I like sausages too."
Patient: Good,you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds."
Medical
Laughter is the best medicine, and these doctor jokes are the perfect prescription.
Does it Hurt?
Doctor: "Does it hurt when you do this?"
Patient: "Yes"
Doctor: "Well, you shouldn't do it then."
Funny Doctors
Doctor: Mrs Smith, you have acute angina.
Mrs. Smith: I came here to be examined, not admired.
How Long?
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
The Traveller
A girl goes to her doctor, because she's found some unusual green marks on her thighs.
After the doctor has examined the marks, she asks the girl some questions so that she can determine the cause.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" "Yes."
"Can you describe him?" "Ok; he's tall, dark, and works at the fairground."
"So he's a traveller?" "Yes, he is; any problems?"
"No, no. I do think his earrings may be made of brass, though."
In Emergency, Break Glass
A pregnant woman was on a bus. As the bus was going along, the woman started to give birth. An off-duty doctor rushed to her side and started to help her. He shouted to the rest of the bus, "Can someone help me?" Then towards the back of the bus a blond got up and smashed the back window. The doctor turned to her and said, "What did you do that for?" The blond replied, "Well it said on the window, In emergency, break glass."
Healthy Texas
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
Doctors? Huh!
If it is dry - moisten.
If it is moist - dry.
Congratulations, you are now a dermatologist.
====================================================
What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
The Painter
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work, and wondered if they would increase in value after your death. When I told him they would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's great news," the artist said. "What's the bad news?"
"He was your doctor."
Botty Burp
A man walked into the doctor's surgery and said, "Doctor, every time I break wind it sounds like a motor bike."
"That's very interesting; is there anything else bothering you?" asked the doctor.
"I also have a large boil on my backside," said the man.
"Right," said the doctor, "I will lance your boil and your problem will disappear."
"How's that?" asked the man.
"Because abscess makes the fart go Honda."
Another Psychiatrist
A man walks into a dentist's and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "You need a psychiatrist, mate."
The man says, "Yes, I know."
The dentist replies, "Well, why have you come in here?"
"Your light was on!"
Bridge
'Doctor,doctor.I think that I'm a bridge.'
'What on earth's come over you?'
'Well a car,a bike.....'
Trust the Doctor
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
Falling Hair
Patient: "My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?"
Doctor: "A shoebox!"
Everything But . . . .
I read right the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!
The Doctor VIII
Two friends, who haven't met for a couple of years, are catching up with each other's news.
One says, "And then the doctor said he'd have me back on my feet in a fortnight!"
His pal says, "Well, did he?"
"He sure did, I had to sell my car to pay him!"
Ugly Person
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
How Long?
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Happy Birthday To You!
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. - S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
Klepto!
Guy goes to see his doctor - "Doctor, please help me, I've got kleptomania bad!"
"OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they've not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?"
Slower
A guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?"
"$80 a tooth," he replies.
"For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient.
"Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower.
Doctor's Appointment
A blonde went to see her doctor for her annual checkup so the doctor gave her the once over.
At the end of the checkup he shone a light in her ear to have a look; amazed, he shook his head and walked away.
See below what the doctor had seen.
A big sign
SPACE FOR RENT.
Poor Drunken Soul
Man in car,
Went to bar.
Feeling nifty,
Doing fifty.
Hit a car,
Poor old soul.
Doctor's fee,
CEMETARY!
T.V Comercial
I seen a commercial on T.V for a pill that helps with ED (erectile deficency). As one of the side effects the announcer said "If you experience an erection for longer than four hours call your doctor." I thought call my doctor?? If I have an erection for more than four hours I am calling Ripley's Believe it or Not!!.