The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Laughter is the best medicine, and these doctor jokes are the perfect prescription.
A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say "hecho en mexico" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, "So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?"
She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. "You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?"
A nurse was giving a patient a check up and came to the task of taking his temperature. So the patient came in and she told him to take his pants and boxers off so he hesitantly did so. She then put somthing in his butt. She had some time, so she went to the bank and was going to withdraw some cash. As she went to get her pen to sign the reciept, she took out the rectal themometer.
A brother and sister are in a terrible car accident and the brother is badly injured.
At the hospital the doctor tells the sister, "His brain is dead, but his pulse is still beating."
The sister replies, "Oh no! We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
A woman went in for a breast exam. The doctor said, "Have a seat. I have to numb your breasts first."
The woman said, "Okay."
So the doctor put his face between her breasts and said, "Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb."
What is the medical term for a woman getting a sex change?
An adadictomy
(add-a-dick-to-me)
The voluptuous blonde entered the dentist's office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his utensils.
"Oh, doctor," she exclaimed, as he prepared to look into her mouth. "I'm so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled."
"Well, miss," said the dentist impatiently, "better make up your mind before I adjust the chair."
Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A: Because he felt crumby.
"Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!"
1.Doctor, Doctor! My son swallowed a pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil instead!
2.Doctor, Doctor! I think I'm getting shorter!
You'll just have to be a little patient.
3.Doctor, Doctor! I'm invisible!
I'm sorry, sir, I can't see you right now.
A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.
Doctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?
Q. Where do Comedians go if they are sick?
A. To the He-He-Mergency room!
- You're so stupid, you got locked inside a grocery store and starved to death!
- You're so big, you play pool with the planets!
- You're so fat, when you went outside in yellow clothes, someone screamed, "TAXI!"
- You're so big, when you go to the movies, you sit next to everybody!
- You're so ugly, when you were born, the doctor slapped your parents.
- You're so stupid, the three stooges use you as an inspiration!
Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.
"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague.
"About $17,000."
"What did he have?"
"Oh... About $17,000."
A soldier's letter home:
Dear Mom, I can't tell you where i am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear.
Two weeks later, another letter home:
Dear Mom, I can't tell you where I am, but yesterday i danced with a hula girl.
Two weeks later another letter home:
Dear Mom, I still can't tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl.
You know you're a redneck if you would rather your son have his own hunting show than become a doctor.
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
One night a man and his wife were lying in bed and she was complaining that his penis was small and asked why he didn't do something about it.
The next night thay were in bed and she reached between his legs and gasped, "How did it get so big?"
Husband said, "Simple, I went to the hospital and had an operation."
The wife replied, "What kind of operation?"
The husband said, "I had an addadicktome!"
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car.
"The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor; "you're just having an auto-body experience."
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Q - Why do women have nipples?
A - Because, if they didn't, boobs would be pointless
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the
doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc, 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."