The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Laughter is the best medicine, and these doctor jokes are the perfect prescription.
There was this guy in the mental institute who was taking his medicine that the nurse gave him.
The same nurse was walking past his room and saw him shaking very vigorously.
Intrigued, the nurse asked,"Dear patient, why are you shaking? Are you cold?"
Still shaking, the patient replied, "No, my dear nurse, the bottle of medicine you gave me said 'shake before drinking' but I forgot to shake!"
"Oh dear."
"Doctor! I have a serious pronblem, I can never remember what I just said."
"When did you first notice this problem?"
"What problem?"
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a
doctor, I'm right here."
A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say "hecho en mexico" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, "So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?"
She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. "You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?"
A nurse was giving a patient a check up and came to the task of taking his temperature. So the patient came in and she told him to take his pants and boxers off so he hesitantly did so. She then put somthing in his butt. She had some time, so she went to the bank and was going to withdraw some cash. As she went to get her pen to sign the reciept, she took out the rectal themometer.
What is the medical term for a woman getting a sex change?
An adadictomy
(add-a-dick-to-me)
The voluptuous blonde entered the dentist's office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his utensils.
"Oh, doctor," she exclaimed, as he prepared to look into her mouth. "I'm so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled."
"Well, miss," said the dentist impatiently, "better make up your mind before I adjust the chair."
You're so ugly instead of taking you to the doctor your mom took you to the vet.
"Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!"
1.Doctor, Doctor! My son swallowed a pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil instead!
2.Doctor, Doctor! I think I'm getting shorter!
You'll just have to be a little patient.
3.Doctor, Doctor! I'm invisible!
I'm sorry, sir, I can't see you right now.
A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.
Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
Doctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?
Q. Where do Comedians go if they are sick?
A. To the He-He-Mergency room!
Your so ugly, when you were born the doctors shoved you back in.
A blonde and a brunette are walking along the sidewalk, and the brunette says she is dying of thirst and wants Dr. Pepper. The blonde runs across town into the nearest hospital and asks the receptionist for Dr. Pepper. The receptionist says OK, and hands her a bottle of soda. The blonde says, "What do you think this is? A Joke? My friend is dying and needs to see Dr. Pepper right away!!!"
Have I ever told you about my uncle Jeffy? Well, as a kid my uncle Jeffy lost all of his hair, and everyone thought he was sick, so he went to a doctor. The doctor told him "Jeffy, you are not sick." He was right because, later in life, Jeffy was in school and walked through a wall! It turned out Jeffy had magical powers! He then got a pet dragon and learned how to fly.
We go visit Uncle Jeffy at the Mental Institution every 1st of the month.
Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.
"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague.
"About $17,000."
"What did he have?"
"Oh... About $17,000."
At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know, you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
You know you're a redneck if you would rather your son have his own hunting show than become a doctor.
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
One night a man and his wife were lying in bed and she was complaining that his penis was small and asked why he didn't do something about it.
The next night thay were in bed and she reached between his legs and gasped, "How did it get so big?"
Husband said, "Simple, I went to the hospital and had an operation."
The wife replied, "What kind of operation?"
The husband said, "I had an addadicktome!"
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car.
"The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor; "you're just having an auto-body experience."