Forget Your Troubles
Doctor: "Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work."
Patient: "But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!"
Medical
Laughter is the best medicine, and these doctor jokes are the perfect prescription.
Lower Sex Drive?
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
OOPS
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
Dentist Filling
A girl went to a dentist to have her teeth filled. The dentist asked,
"What kind of fillings do you want? White or silver?"
The girl replied, "Chocolate fillings."
A Nurse Dies and Goes to Heaven....
A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck.
"Oh brother!" she cries. "Is that a doctor?"
St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."
Mr Bean in Brain Tumour
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
Mr Bean in Family Tragic
Mr. Bean: (crying) "The doctor called, Mom's dead."
Friend: "Condolence, my friend."
After receiving a phone call, Mr. Bean cries even louder.
Friend: "What now?"
Mr. Bean: "My sister just called, her mom died too!"
Surgery
A man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions.
"Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?"
"Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?"
"I couldn't play it before."
What's Wrong With that Guy?
"What's wrong with you?" you asked a very dumb guy that was taking your order at the newest resturant in town.
"The doctor doesn't know yet, hehe (snort)."
Chicken Pox
Why did the chicken pox cross the road?
He was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted.
Doctor's Orders
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
Split the Viagra
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra.
The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex any more as I am over 90 years old. I just want
it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Schizophrenic
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other
As Small As a Mouse
The doctors were talking about their work.
"I had great success with one of my patients," said the first doctor. "When he came to me, he thought he was as small as a mouse."
"And you cured him?" the second docter asked.
"I convinced him that many of the world's greatest men were small," the first docter said, "He was doing quite well. Then - I lost him."
"What happened?"
"It was an accident," the doctor sighed sadly, "A pussy cat ate him."
Can You Help Me?
PATIENT: "Doctor can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough."
DOCTOR: "Okay, have this prescription filled."
PATIENT: "Oh, will it improve my hearing?"
DOCTOR: "No, but it will help you cough better."
Book in the Hospital
Why did the book have to go to the hospital?
Because it injured its spine.
You are Given....
A guy walks up to a doctor and asks: "What type of questions do you ask people to decide if they are retarded or not?"
"I ask questions like; If you had to empty a bathtub that was full of water, and I gave you a teaspoon, a bucket, and a cup, how would you get the water out?" "Oh I see," the man said, "a sensible man would use the bucket because it is bigger."
"No, a sensible person would pull the plug."
59 Seconds
"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live."
"Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute."
Banana
Why did the banana go to the doctors?
Because it wasn't peeling well
Oh No!
A man walks into a doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied. . . my belly button is out of order. . . I can't open my chest. . . I'm losing the leaves in my palm. . . somebody threw my waist in the trash. . . and my foot is only eleven inches!"
Bad And Worst News
A woman walks in to the hospital to visit her husband.
She talks to the doctor, and the doctor says,"I have bad news, and worse news."
The woman starts to cry, asking for the bad news first.
The doctor replies,"The bad news is that your husband only has 24 hours to live."
The woman starts to cry even more, and now asks for the worse news.
The Doctor now replies,"The worse news is that I have been trying to contact you since yesterday."
Autopsies
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
First Time
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
Alzheimer's
A patient was waiting for some results from his doctor. When the doctor arrives he says,
"I have some good news and some bad news which do you want first."
The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."