The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Laughter is the best medicine, and these doctor jokes are the perfect prescription.
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
Mr. Bean: (crying) "The doctor called, Mom's dead."
Friend: "Condolence, my friend."
After receiving a phone call, Mr. Bean cries even louder.
Friend: "What now?"
Mr. Bean: "My sister just called, her mom died too!"
+ You dance and it makes the band skip.
+ You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
+ You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
+ Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
+ You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
+ You could sell shade.
+ Your blood type is Ragu.
+ You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
A man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions.
"Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?"
"Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?"
"I couldn't play it before."
"What's wrong with you?" you asked a very dumb guy that was taking your order at the newest resturant in town.
"The doctor doesn't know yet, hehe (snort)."
Why did the chicken pox cross the road?
He was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted.
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra.
The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex any more as I am over 90 years old. I just want
it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other
The doctors were talking about their work.
"I had great success with one of my patients," said the first doctor. "When he came to me, he thought he was as small as a mouse."
"And you cured him?" the second docter asked.
"I convinced him that many of the world's greatest men were small," the first docter said, "He was doing quite well. Then - I lost him."
"What happened?"
"It was an accident," the doctor sighed sadly, "A pussy cat ate him."
PATIENT: "Doctor can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough."
DOCTOR: "Okay, have this prescription filled."
PATIENT: "Oh, will it improve my hearing?"
DOCTOR: "No, but it will help you cough better."
Why did the book have to go to the hospital?
Because it injured its spine.
A guy walks up to a doctor and asks: "What type of questions do you ask people to decide if they are retarded or not?"
"I ask questions like; If you had to empty a bathtub that was full of water, and I gave you a teaspoon, a bucket, and a cup, how would you get the water out?" "Oh I see," the man said, "a sensible man would use the bucket because it is bigger."
"No, a sensible person would pull the plug."
"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live."
"Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute."
Why did the banana go to the doctors?
Because it wasn't peeling well
A man walks into a doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied. . . my belly button is out of order. . . I can't open my chest. . . I'm losing the leaves in my palm. . . somebody threw my waist in the trash. . . and my foot is only eleven inches!"
A woman walks in to the hospital to visit her husband.
She talks to the doctor, and the doctor says,"I have bad news, and worse news."
The woman starts to cry, asking for the bad news first.
The doctor replies,"The bad news is that your husband only has 24 hours to live."
The woman starts to cry even more, and now asks for the worse news.
The Doctor now replies,"The worse news is that I have been trying to contact you since yesterday."
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
A patient was waiting for some results from his doctor. When the doctor arrives he says,
"I have some good news and some bad news which do you want first."
The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."
There was this guy in the mental institute who was taking his medicine that the nurse gave him.
The same nurse was walking past his room and saw him shaking very vigorously.
Intrigued, the nurse asked,"Dear patient, why are you shaking? Are you cold?"
Still shaking, the patient replied, "No, my dear nurse, the bottle of medicine you gave me said 'shake before drinking' but I forgot to shake!"
"Oh dear."
"Doctor! I have a serious pronblem, I can never remember what I just said."
"When did you first notice this problem?"
"What problem?"
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a
doctor, I'm right here."