The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Laughter is the best medicine, and these doctor jokes are the perfect prescription.
Once there was a girl who wanted larger breasts, so one day she went to see her doctor, Dr. Smith.
Dr. Smith told her to rub her breasts and repeat the following: "SCOOBIE,DOOBIE,LOOBIE, I WANT BIGGER BOOBIES".
One day she was running late, and decided to do her exercises on the bus when a guy came up to her and asked if she was a patient of Dr. Smith's, to which she replied: "Yes, how did you know?".
He replied "HICKORY DICKORY DOC!"
Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
3 expecting mothers were talking in their doctors office, about the sex of their babies.
The first mother said, "I'm having a boy."
"How can you be so sure?" asked the other two.
"Well" said the first, "my husband was on top."
The second replied, "If that's the case then I'm having a girl because I was on top."
The third started to cry. The first two asked her what was wrong.
"I'm going to have a puppy" she replied.
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of first year medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you moron!"
In pharmacology, all drugs have generic names:
Tylenol is acetaminophen,
Advil is ibuprofen, & so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and
announced today that they have settled on mycoxafailin.
Also considered were mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin and mydixarizin.
The man told his doctor that he just wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English... What's wrong with me?"
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're simply a lazy old fart."
"Thank you for your candor," said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I have something to tell my wife!"
Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.
The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
Viagra now available in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug Viagra in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold under the name "Mydixadrill."
Now when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one.
I shall seek and find you,
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you,
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, you will beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
You will be weak for days.
You have been warned, my love, by...
THE FLU!!
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get a flu shot.
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone..."
In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.
While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.
The researchers are at a loss to explain the phenomenon.
The long term implications of drug research and medical procedures must be fully considered.
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.
Medical researchers believe that by the year 2030 there will be a significant number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. -Heard in a neuropsychology classroom
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born?
A: It knocks the penises off of the dumb ones.
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. 'I feel tired all the time,' he slurs, 'My head hurts, I've got a sore bum, and I'm not sleeping. What is it doc?'
Frowning the doctor examines him thoroughly before standing back.
'I can't find anything wrong,' he says.'It must be the drinking.'
'Fair enough,' replies the drunk.'I'll come back when you're sober.'
Doctor: "Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work."
Patient: "But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!"
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
A girl went to a dentist to have her teeth filled. The dentist asked,
"What kind of fillings do you want? White or silver?"
The girl replied, "Chocolate fillings."
A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck.
"Oh brother!" she cries. "Is that a doctor?"
St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."