Am I Pregnant?
Doctor: Well I hope you enjoy changing diapers, Mrs Jones?
Mrs Jones: Why, Am I pregnant?
Doctor: No, you have bowel cancer!
Medical
Laughter is the best medicine, and these doctor jokes are the perfect prescription.
Amputation
A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Patient: "What's the bad news?"
Doctor: "The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg."
Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?"
Doctor: "We think the other leg is going to make it alright."
Strawberry Issues
There's this guy he goes to see the doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom."
The doctor says, "It's ok, I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Roses are Red
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I!
Change
One day, a teen went to the docter, and said: "DOCTOR! Whenever I go to the bathroom, nickels come out!" The docter replies, "Drink lots of water, and keep your feet elevated." The next week, the teen comes back and says that dimes come out. The doctor says the same thing. Next week, he says that quarters are coming. Then half dollars. The doctor finally replies, "You're at the time where you go through change."
Appendicitis
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde yelled at the doctor, "I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!"
100 Years Old
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied. "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
Pancakes and Pizza
"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition," the doctor told his patient. "We're going to put you in an isolation unit, where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."
"Will pancakes and pizza cure my condition?"
"No," replied the doctor. "They're the only things we can slip under the door."
Psychiatrists
"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!"
"Who listens?"
Hum Hum
A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor doctor! I can't eat food through my mouth cause it hurts" The doc says "Try eating through your bum, it might help" A few weeks later the doctor sees the man walking down the road in a very weird way, he asks "Why are you walking like that? Are you hurt?" The man replies "No you fool! I'm chewing a toffie"
Dream
Jack tells his shrink, "Last night I dreamed you were my mother."
"How did you feel about it after you woke up?" asks the psychiatrist.
"I overslept," answers Jack. "Then I remembered I had an appointment with you, so I grabbed a Coke and some cookies for breakfast and came right over. I didn't really have time to think about it. What does it mean, doc?"
"A Coke and some cookies?" says the psychiatrist. "You call that breakfast?"
Ten...
A man hadn't been feeling well, so he went to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor came out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor said, "you're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" said the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor said sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
The doctor interrupted, "Nine..."
Sanitarium
A doctor came to a sanitarium to check up on the patients. He sees that everybody is walking around with an empty leash. So he asks a few patients what they are doing.
They all answered that they are taking their dog out on a walk. Only one of the patients said "What are you, blind? I'm holding an empty leash!"
So the doctor says "Very good, I see you are not as crazy as everyone else."
When the doctor leaves, the patient says, "Did you see how we fooled him, Sparky?!"
Sanitarium 2
A doctor goes into a sanitarium one day to check up on the patients. He sees they are all lined up with bathing suits on, jumping into the air and landing hard on the floor.
He asks them what they are doing, and they all answer "We're diving into the pool".
Only one of them sits aside watching them. "I see you're not diving into the pool" the doctor says. The patient replies "I'm the lifeguard."
Good Egg
Whats the difference between a good egg and a good fart?
You can't beat a good fart!
DOCTOR, DOCTOR:...
Patient: Doctor doctor, J keep seeing doubles!
Doctor: Please take a seat.
Patient: Which one?
Nothing Hurts
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me!"
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because nothing hurts."
You Idiot!
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
The Pregnant Women
There was a pregnant women. On the way to the hospital, she got into a wreck. When she woke up her babies were already born. She asked the docter if she could see her babies. He said yes, and don't worry your brother named them. The pregnant woman freaked out and said her brother was an idiot. The doctor said the girl's name is Denice. The pregnant women said, "Maybe my brother is not such an idiot." Then the docter said that the boy's name is "da nephew".
Sniffing Coke
A blonde walks into a hospital in slight discomfort.
"Can I have a hot towel to put on my nose, please?"
The nurse was curious and asked, "Why would you like a hot towel to put on your nose?"
The blonde replies, "Well, I wanted to sniff some coke to see what the big deal was, and I got an ice cube stuck up my nose."
Take with Water
After giving a woman a full medical examination, the doctor explained his prescription as he wrote it out. "When you get up, take the green pill with a glass of water. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water."
"Exactly what is my problem, Doctor?" the woman asked.
"You're not drinking enough water."
Announcement
Heard over the hospital public address system:
Due to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning.
Nurse Nurse
Veronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair!
Nurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need?
The Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ...I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted.