Formal Wear
Why do lawyers always wear a tie?
To keep back the foreskin.
Legal
The jury has reached a verdict: these lawyer jokes are undeniably hilarious.
Not Found in Webster's
Flea: (noun) a small, wingless, bloodsucking parasite
(see also) a. Brother-in-law
b. lawyer
c. politician
What Do You Call....
Q. What do you call a blond, redneck lawyer?
A. Yo Momma!
Alaska
You know your are in Alaska when you go to court and they ask you where you were on the night of October to April!
NOT ALL BAD
Not all lawyers are bad.
I've seen some graveyards full of good ones!
The Circus of Congress
What do a circus and congress have in common?
They are both full of CLOWNS
What Do You Get...
what do you get when you cross a LAWYER and a LIBRARIAN?
All the information you want, but you can't understand it!
Horror Movie
Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"
It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.
The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?
Misleading
Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.
"They should not put up such misleading notices," said Joe.
"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
What's The Difference?
What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?
A bad lawyer can have a case drag on for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Red & Blue
Man 1: "Why have you painted your car red on one side and blue on the other?"
Man 2: "So that if I bang into anyone, the witnesses will have a marvellous time in court contradicting each other!"
Interesting Statistic...
99.9% of all lawyers make the other ones look bad.
Lawyer's Questions
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?
1. How much money do you have?
2. Where can you get more?
3. Do you have anything you can sell?
A Fresh Appeal
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
More Headlines
Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
(Just how guilty was he?)
Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
(I say, give it to him.)
Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body Found
(What?)
After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
(Well, this confirms what many of us have suspected about California.)
Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
(Modern science is amazing, isn't it?)
Lawyers and Vampires
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Says It All!
Pythagorean Theorem - 24 words.
Lord's Prayer - 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.
10 Commandments - 179 words.
Gettysburg Address - 286 words.
Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.
US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage -
26,911 words.
Revenge!
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge was delighted. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now please sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
Bicyclist
A bicyclist came whizzing down a steep hill and smashed into a car as I stood there watching in horror. I ran over to see if I could help and discovered the wild rider was a friend of mine, an attorney.
I knew he was going to be just fine when the first words out of his mouth were, "Did the driver admit he was at fault?"
Well-Hung
How do you tell when a lawyer is well-hung?
When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his throat.
Ugh
A lawyer in Basic Math class
"What is two plus two?"
"Well, first let us decide the parties. The first two is party A. Now first, where are the signatures that my client two WANTS to be added to the party B, two. I see no signatures, and therefore the two twos shan't be together until further paperwork is done. Two and two remain separate, CASE CLOSED!"
Robot Lawyers
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
What Hoppened?
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail, but his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money."
The lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
That's My Car!
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
"Alright," the lawyer says, looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months."
"What? That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"You're right. It's mine."