Judge
Q: What did judge say when the skunk came in the court ?
A: Odor in the court.
Legal
The jury has reached a verdict: these lawyer jokes are undeniably hilarious.
Skydiving Lawyers
What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane?
Skeet
NOTICE:
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious constitutional reason.
They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
There was, however, no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Murphy, a Dishonest Lawyer...
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:
Manslaughter!
Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!
How Can You Tell If a Lawyer is Lying?
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
A Lawyer and an IRS Agent are Drowning
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Somewhere in the Deep South...
Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that is true."
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!"
Under Oath
The slick defense lawyer was drilling the star witness, in an attempt to ruffle the mans feathers, and secure his own case. He began egging him on.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background" the lawyer sneered.
The witness replied,
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment!
Bucket O Crap
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit ?
A: The bucket.
What's the Difference?
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
His Place
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
Lawyers Robbed
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $50 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers.... we had $100 when we broke in!"
A Greater Insult
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are assholes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back." The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole."
What Do You Do?
You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
Leech
Q:What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
A:The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.
Three Questions
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third question?"
Guilty
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days in jail."
A Lawyer Joke
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
Don't Fall Asleep!
Courtney: Let's see who can stay up the longest tonight.
Kaitlyn: I know! We'll pinch each other every ten minutes to make sure we don't fall asleep! Starting right NOW!
Courtney: Hey, I'm not even tired!
Kaitlyn: See, my plan is working!
Lunch
Where does a judge eat lunch?
At the food court!
Priceless Picture
A man sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man, incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A Lawer in a Ambulance!
Bob and Joe, a couple of personal injury lawyers, were discussing conditions in the legal profession. "How's business?" asked Bob.
"Absolutely rotten!" responded Joe. "How have you been doing?" "Even worse," Bob replied. "I just chased an ambulance twelve miles and found a LAWYER inside it."
Why Lawyers are Like Little Kids
The only concept they understand is "mine".