500 Lawyers
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A start.
Legal
The jury has reached a verdict: these lawyer jokes are undeniably hilarious.
Shingles
How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house?
It depends on how thin you slice 'em.
Lawyers and Dogs
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Sharks
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Buried
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Geese and Ducks
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his rear.
Honest Lawyer
What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.
100 Dollar Bill
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Justice Prevailed
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."
747 Full of Lawers
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Services
Q: Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Lawyer vs Dry Cleaner
Q: What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer?
A: The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.
Epitaph
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man."
"Well, how about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
On Vacation
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
Acquittal
"What possible reason can you have for acquitting this defendant?" the judge shouted at the jury.
"Insanity, Your Honour," replied the foreman.
"All TWELVE of you?" bellowed the judge.
Copperwire
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Research
Two scientists were discussing their latest behaviour-modification research. "We've started something new," said the first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers."
"Lawyers?" questioned her colleague. "But we've always used rats."
"Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats."
Name?
What did the Lawyer name his daughter?
Answer: Sue
A Few Good Lawyers
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Lawyers Love Sushi
Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
Lawyers Off Bridge....
Q: What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?
A: Pollution.
Q: What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
A: Solution.
Pockets
It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
The Funeral
A man arrives at his laywer's funeral and and was very dismayed by the presence of this one person. He turns to the people around him. 'Why are you all at this man's funeral?' A man turns towards him and says, 'We're all clients.'
'And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.'
'Huh? No, we came to make sure he was dead.'
Deep Down
Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet below ground instead of the usual 6?
Because deep down, they're not so bad!