The Car
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"
Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."
Legal
The jury has reached a verdict: these lawyer jokes are undeniably hilarious.
Going By Experience
A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.
His lawyer argued, "Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years."
"Your Honor," the plaintiff's lawyer retored, "if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years!"
Death Threats
This really happened (honest!)
A man was receiving death threats from another man, so he took him to court. The judge threw the case out on the basis that "the threats obviously hadn't been carried out."
Really, how stupid can you get?
Unfair!
A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge.
"Your Honor," his lawyer said, "I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he is only able to speak a few words of English."
The judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, "How much English do you speak?"
The defendant looked up and replied, "Give me your wallet!"
Lawyers Playing Poker
A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.
"I win!" said Johnson.
Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
What Are The Odds?
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied.
"Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.
"Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
Kept in the Dark
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Why Did You Not Read It?
The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information.
Says Vince Vieceli, "Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees."
Good Lawyers v Great Lawyers
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.
Bad News / Good News: Lawyer's Version
A lawyer goes in to the cell where his client is being held. "Okay, I've some bad news, and some good news."
"Right, what's the bad news?"
"It's DEFINITELY your blood at the scene of the crime."
"So what's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is way down!"
Beau Vine
A newspaper columnist was found guilty and fined for calling a countess a cow. When the trial ended and the man paid his fine, he asked the judge, since it was now clear he couldn't call a countess a cow, could he call a cow a countess?
The judge said it was all right to do so. Whereupon the newspaperman turned to the countess in the courtroom, bowed elaborately, and said, "How do you do, Countess?"
Up Yours!
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long-awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."
Oops!
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.
The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble! I'm a lawyer!"
The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge."
Well, Hush My Mouth!
The judge read the charges, then asked: "Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No, your honor," replied Tommy. "I've got a lawyer to do the defending. I'm the person who did it."
That Settles It!
Pete and Mick were in court and standing before the judge.
"Why can't this case be settled out of court?" the judge asked.
Pete looked up at the judge and said, "That's what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered."
Emergency Landing!
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
A Level Playing Field!
The judge summoned the opposing lawyers to his chambers.
Confronting the lawyers, the judge said: "Each of you has presented me with a bribe."
The lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"Mr. Hearnski, you gave me $15,000. Mr. Joy, you gave me $10,000."
The judge then handed a check to attorney Hearnski.
"Now then, I'm returning $5,000 to Mr. Hearnski and we'll decide this case solely on its merits!"
Lawyer Joke
I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realised that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes.
Hillbilly Divorce
Two hillbillies just come out of a divorce court.
The ex-wife is crying her eyes out.
Her ex-husband comes over and says:
"There, there Missy, you're still my sister!"
Entitled To One Phone Call
Entitled To One Phone Call
Two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, enjoying a joint on the edge of the fountain in the town square.
The arresting officer, unable to reach their parents, gave them each one phone call.
A half hour later, a man entered the station.
The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer?"
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just delivering their pizza!"
Switzerland
A lawyer is talking to a *fellow* politician. 'I'm going to Switzerland next month,' said the honest politician. 'Oh really?' asked the lawyer. 'Which bank?'
Now THAT is High Resolution
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.