The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
The only thing better than a good meal is a good joke about one.
Recently, my redneck neighbors invited me to a party. Here was our conversation:
"Hey dude! Where are you man? We're having a great party over here. Why don't you come on over and join us?"
I replied, "Man, I'm not feeling so good. I think I'm gonna stay right here."
"Well, hey. What'cha got?" they asked.
"I got a case of diarrhea," I responded.
"Well heck, bring it along. These fools will drink anything!"
Nobody can breathe out of their nose and mouth at the same time.
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You know, 95% of the people who read this try to do it...well, it's impossible!!! DUH!!!! (lol)
His death won't be listed under "Obituaries," it will be under "Neighborhood Improvements."
1st man: My son was born on Saint David's day, so I called him David.
2nd man: My son was born on Saint Patrick's day, so I called him Patrick.
3rd man: Well, my son was born on Shrove Tuesday, so I called him Pancakes.
Did you hear that in response to President Bill Clinton's habit of dropping in on the local McDonalds, the McDonald's national management has announced a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton?
Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, you never get the fries you were originally promised, and it's got half the meat.
What's a Jewish dilemma? A free ham sandwich.
When kids say:
The party is supervised = It's supervised by a grandparent who falls asleep most of the time.
I'm doing well in school = Oh crap, I need help.
It's okay, I don't need help = Get the heck away from me.
When men say:
Hi honey, how are you? = I've been cheating on you for the last 2 months, or, I cheated on you last night.
When women say:
I'm too tired to make dinner = Who do you think I am making dinner for you every night? Can't a woman take a frickin' break?
One time there was 2 rednecks Bob and John. They were best friends. Bob had just gone bankrupt so he asked John if he could move in with him. Now John didn't have a big house like Bob use to have but agreed to let him stay there till he got out of bankruptcy. The next day when Bob moved in, while at dinner Bob said: "John you know what?" John said:"What is it Bob?" "I thought my house was shitty. Then i came to yours."
Q: How do you sink a canadian submarine?
A: You swim underneath it and knock on the door
A boy walked up to a man and asked, "Hey mister, wanna donate to the WE NEED HELP children's fund?" the man said, "No, but I will donate a pack of listerine bottles because I hope all of the kids' breath don't smell as bad as yours!"
(real life situation)
What is the answer to this riddle?
What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil,
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you'll die?
A: Nothing
Where does a judge eat lunch?
At the food court!
Why did they ban the wave at the local football games?
*Too many blondes were drowning.
Why was the blonde on the roof of the bar?
*Someone told her that the drinks were on the house.
Why don't blondes eat M&Ms?
*They are too hard to peel.
Why do blondes take the pill?
*It's the only way that they can keep track of what day of the week it is.
Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
*She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
A blonde is eating out at a very fancy restaurant with her family. Right then she sees an ice carving of a dolphin by the wall.
She says to the waiter, "I love that ice carving, but what do you do with it when it melts?"
A blond goes into a pizza shop for a snack. She orders, "May I have a veggie pizza slice with all the works?"
The worker says, "That would be our combo pizza."
The blond says, "No, thanks. I'll stay with the veggie slice."
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things.
First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."
If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!
A brother and sister are in a terrible car accident and the brother is badly injured.
At the hospital the doctor tells the sister, "His brain is dead, but his pulse is still beating."
The sister replies, "Oh no! We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
A woman went in for a breast exam. The doctor said, "Have a seat. I have to numb your breasts first."
The woman said, "Okay."
So the doctor put his face between her breasts and said, "Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb."
Did you have cookie for lunch? 'Cuz your face is kinda krummy.
I did your mom...
...a favor by making you...
...lunch.
The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods, hunting together when suddenly a beautiful blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude!
"Would I love to eat that?" "Oui, oui!" The Frenchman said, smacking his lips.
So the Italian shot her.
Help reduce air pollution, stop breathing