The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
The only thing better than a good meal is a good joke about one.
A friend of mine spent two hours in the salon getting her hair colored, cut, and blow dried. After all that, was it too much to ask to be treated like Cinderella at the ball? Yet when she went to the desk to pay, the receptionist said to her, "Hello, madam, who is your appointment with today?"
Your cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back!
You're so ugly that you scared away a man-eating shark!
+ You dance and it makes the band skip.
+ You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
+ You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
+ Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
+ You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
+ You could sell shade.
+ Your blood type is Ragu.
+ You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
Say the word pig before each word.
Pigs
About
Talking
Idiot
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look
Now say the word pig after each word
Pigs
About
Talking
Idiot
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look
Next say the word pig before and after each word
Pigs
About
Talking
Idiot
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look
Finally read the list of words from the bottom up.
Pigs
About
Talking
Idiot
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look
Have a Great day :)
Your breath is so bad, you need a tic-tac the size of a watermelon!
Q: What did the chicken say after it crossed the road?
A: "Why is everyone always talking about me?"
Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken.
Q: Why did the pencil cross the road?
A: It was lead.
Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast this morning?
A gladiator was having a rough day at the arena-his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up. He was now both unarmed and defeated.
Q: How do you serve food in space?
A: On flying saucers
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he
waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and
said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is
it?" "It's called the door!"
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'
'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'
'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.
'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from KFC
I'm not against Avril Lavigne or anything, I like her, but I heard this, and it was pretty funny. This is the changed lyric to the chorus of Complicated:
"Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
You see the way I'm scrunching up my pitiful face when I'm on the toilet,
And during this I -
I push, and I strain, and I sweat, and I pray, Dear Lord, that you'll let it come out;
Sooner or later I'll have to leave the bathroom,
Yeah, yeah, yeah..."
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - then the trouble started.
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken.Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
1. You know you're a redneck when you go out with your girlfriend and you don't realize she has her other boyfriend with her.
2. You know you're a redneck when you use a barstool as a walker.
3. You know you're a redneck when your mowing your lawn and you find a car.
4. You know you're a redneck when you fall asleep with one hand down your pants and a beer in the other hand.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a monkey?
George W. Bush
What's grosser than gross?
When you're eating a bowl of rice crispies and one gets up and slithers away.
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are assholes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back." The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole."
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."