The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
The only thing better than a good meal is a good joke about one.
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that is true."
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!"
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."
- David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments."
- David Letterman
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."
- Jay Leno
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man
Love, To forgive him and
Patience, For his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death
One day, after I took my dog to the vet, I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up some milk. So I left my dog in the car with the window rolled down so she could breathe. Because my dog is small, she could fit through the window of the car, but she is well trained enough to follow my commands. So I told her, "Stay. Stay there, don't move. Staaay."
A man loading his car with groceries next to me said, "You know, usually, I just put it in park!"
John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.
Mary: What kind is it?
John: Twelve-thirty.
Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. "I'll let you in," said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, "if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal."
"Elementary, my dear St. Peter," said the great detective, "he's the one without a bellybutton."
Very stinky I can be.
And a wet hole is all you see.
Give me a rod and I'm happy.
In the silence I can queef.
No one thinks they're eating beef.
And please oh please don't use teeth.
A silent Order of Monks is allowed to eat only porridge and speak just once a month. One month, Friar Albert stood up and said, "I hate porridge." A month of silence passes by and Friar Barnaby stands to say, "I like porridge." Another silent month goes by when Head Master Geoff rises and says...
"Would you two stop this constant bickering!"
When my wife and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. My wife went up to the hostess (who was blonde) and asked, "Will it be long?"
The hostess, ignoring her, kept on writing in her book. My wife again asked "How much of a wait?"
The blonde looked up, "About ten minutes."
A short time later, the blonde got on the loudspeaker, and announced "Willette B. Long, your table is ready."
Recently I was behind a car with three bumper stickers: Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food--demand labels and safety testing for food; Eat for the health of it; and Support organic farmers."
The car was in front of me at a McDonalds drive-through.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus.
And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
Two muffins were sitting next to each other, in an oven, as they were being cooked. One muffin turned to the other muffin, and said, "Man, it's hot in here."
Then the other muffin turned to the first muffin and screamed, "AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other saying, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age; how do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe."
Rather amazed at this reply, Slim's co-worker repeats his statement back in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe?"
"Yup," grins Slim, "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."
Two English guys were in the middle of the scorching desert with no food or water. They both decide to stop and have a rest in the sand. Then one guy has a genius idea.
The guy says, "I support Liverpool football team, so I'll eat the liver of my camel!"
The second guys says, "I support Arsenal football club, but I'm not that hungry!"
A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.
When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.
"What did you do that for?" he asked her.
"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.