Angel
Kid says to mom:"The babysitter's an angel! She was naked in the garden and screamed God I'm coming! Lucky daddy was holding her from behind to keep her here!"
Dad Jokes
Grab your cargo shorts and white sneakers. It's time for the ultimate collection of cheesy dad humor.
Report Card
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Yo Daddy
your daddies so old, i slapped his butt and his balls fell off
Bad Financial Advice
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
Fishing
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, "Johnny, is there anything wrong"?
The boy replied, "No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church".
The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.
Johnny replied, "Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us".
The Sluts Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep
With the boy across the street
Won't my mommy be surprised
When my tummy starts to rise
Won't my daddy be disgusted
When he finds my cherry's busted.
Yo Momma
Your dad is Santa Claus and your mom is A HO HO HO!
Alphabet!
Blond: Daddy! I know my alphabet!
Dad: That took you 5 yaars!
Blond: I know, but now I know my ABD's!
Unlucky
My granddad was a very unlucky man.
He made a soft drink, and called it 1-up, but it didn't sell.
He made another, called it 2-up, which also didn't sell.
He tried yet another, called it 3-up.
He got to 6-up, and quit.
Sorry I'm Late . . .
Billy turns up at school very late one morning, and the teacher asks the reason why he's late.
"Sorry, Miss, my dad got burned."
"I'm sorry to hear that; I hope it's not serious," she replies.
"Oh, they don't piss about at the crematorium, Miss!"
Difference Between Penis and Bread
Dad: Son what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread?
Son: I don't know.
Dad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread.
Self-Made
A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house.
While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, 'Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?'
The kid says, 'Daddy told me you were a self-made man.'
'I am.'
'Well, why did you make yourself like that?'
Pluto
A kid said to his Dad, "In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is."
Money on Trees?
So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?"
"Ya," says the kid.
"Well, it doesn't," says the dad.
"So what is money made out of, Dad?"
"Paper," the dad says.
"And what is paper made out of?"
"Shut up."
Redneck Orgy
What breaks up a redneck orgy?
When mom and dad/uncle arrive home too soon.
Slide Show
True Story:
My aunt and her son were coming to our house to view an old slide show of London. Currently, my aunt has grey hair. In the slides she had black hair. My dad tells my cousin, "See, your mother doesn't look old here." He replies, "Well, you can also see when the Hampton Court Palace was new."
Headlines II
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Autos Killing 110 a Day - Let's Resolve to Do Better
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
Wears the Tickets
A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the game - and Dad can't find the tickets.
Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there."
Bobby: "No probs, Dad."
Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium.
Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."
Dad's Reaction
The following is something actually said by my dad. I wanted to see what my dad would say if I said I might be gay, here was his reaction.
YOU'D BETTER NOT BE!! EVEN IF I HAVE TO BUY YOU SOME PUSSY, YOU WILL NOT BE GAY!!!!!!
Good Luck Letter
Dear son,
Good luck with your exams tomorrow. I always think that it's best to stay up partying all of the night before an exam. Exam rooms are always a good place to catch up on sleep, because they're silent, and there's nothing to do in them anyway.
Love,
Dad
Yo Mama and Dady
yo mama and daddy r so fat, half the world went to ur mom, the other to ur dad.
I'm Glad My Name is Amanda
A blonde girl comes into her dad's room and tells her dad...
Amanda: Dad, I'm glad you named me Amanda.
Dad: Why?
Amanda: It's because that's what everyone calls me!
The Ladder of Success
Harry and his neighbour Joe often borrowed things from each other. One day, Harry asked to borrow Joe's ladder.
Joe said, "Sorry Harry, I've lent it to my son."
Remembering a saying that his grandma often used to tell him, Harry said, "Joe, you should never lend anything to your children because you'll never get it back."
Joe replied, "Don't worry, it's not my ladder - it's my dad's."
Man At The Door
"Daddy, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard!"
"No wonder I didn't hear him!"