The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Grab your cargo shorts and white sneakers. It's time for the ultimate collection of cheesy dad humor.
PARATROOPER
A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.
"Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn't jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass."
"Well did you jump?" asks his dad.
"Just a little at first" answered the boy.
The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first.
Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.'
'And the bad news?' they ask.
Aziz replies, 'He's lost an arm'.
A boy asks his dad,"Dad, what is 6.9?"
The dad answers, "69 interrupted by a period!"
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth, and in the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"
A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date. The dad says, 'Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.'
The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, 'Dad, Jesus had long hair...'
And the dad replied, 'Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn't he?'
Your dad's bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a helicopter landing pad.
A little girl and her father decided to go to church, because her father wanted to introduce her to the Christian World. As they sat down, a collection plate begins to be passed around. As the plate came to the girl's father, he searches his pockets for money. Then his daughter whispers in his ear, "Don't worry Daddy, I'm already free and covered.... I'm under 5."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."
The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."
The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."
The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"
"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise'."
Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
Bin Laden is sitting with his son and they are watching the Twin Towers collapse.
His son asks him, "Dad, which film is this?" to which he replied, "Son, this isn't a film, this is a series."
"Why do you keep reading the Bible every day?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather.
"Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.
A father, angry at his son for not doing well at school tells him, "At your age, George Washington was the best student in his class."
"Yeah dad..." replies the kid..."and at yours, he was the President of the United States!"
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
Daddy: Get the Nuts son
Bobby: Yes Dad
Daddy: Ouch!
1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator
2. Where to Find the Toys in the Oven
3. 101 Games to Play in the Road
4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork
5. Your Nightmares are Real
6. Monsters Killed Grandpa
7. All Guns Squirt Water
8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
9. If it's Storming out, the Best Place to Take Shelter is under a Tree
10. Dad's New Wife Robert
Once there was a redneck groom about to get married. As he puts on the beaver pelt suit, he is talking to his dad. "Hey Uncle Jim, I'm kind of worried. My fiance told me she's still a virgin."
"Why is that an issue?" the dad says.
"Well, if she isn't good enough for her family, why would she be good enough for ours?"
1. Did you hear about the man who had a shower without getting his hair wet?
He was bald!
2. Did you hear about the boy who was named after his father?
His name was Dad!
There's a man with three daughters.
The first daughter(a Brunette) comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Daisy" the dad says" 'cause when you were born a daisy fell on your head."
The second daughter (a red-head) comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Rose" the dad says "'cause when you were born a rose fell on your head."
The third daughter (a blonde) comes up and says "kjaglifvgjlfj" the dad says "SHUTUP CINDERBLOCK"
You might just be a redneck if your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You might be a redneck if your dad bought you a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for Christmas.
TOP GEORGE BUSH SLOGANS
1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.
7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!
8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense
One day in the 1800's a father asked his child to go get some nuts and berries. She went around and got nuts and berries from every boy she knew. When she showed her dad he said, "That's not what I meant!"