The Neutron
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?".
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".
Bar
A guy walks into a bar... and finds this massive list of hilarious bartender jokes.
Sooner or Later
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?"
The man said, "Here and there."
The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"
The man said, "This and that."
The judge then said, "Take him away."
The man said, "Wait, judge when will I get out?"
The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."
Beer F$%^
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation.
"Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said.
"So, what's your name?" she asked.
"Beerf$%^."
Blondes Will Be Blonde
Why did they ban the wave at the local football games?
*Too many blondes were drowning.
Why was the blonde on the roof of the bar?
*Someone told her that the drinks were on the house.
Why don't blondes eat M&Ms?
*They are too hard to peel.
Why do blondes take the pill?
*It's the only way that they can keep track of what day of the week it is.
Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
*She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
Drunk
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
Gay Bar
What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A love call.
Bad Food!
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things.
First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."
The Secret to Enjoying Wine
The secret to enjoying a good wine is:
1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth
Dry Cleaners
A lady was at the bar when a guy started hitting on her. She said "I'll send my pants to you from the dry cleaners, that way you can get into them on you own time."
Irish
I-rish my beer was full...
Blond Les-bar
Q) What does a blond say when she comes out of a lesbian bar?
A) Wow, those people sure were friendly!
Mario and Princess
"Mario, I am in so much pain right now I can barely sit. Leave the mushrooms for the adventures and out of the bedroom."
"Fine Princess. Yoshi, let's go."
"No, no...Yoshi can stay."
Lick-her License
A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police.He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has lick-her (liquor) license.
Barney
My friend told me these songs about Barney. I hope you like them.
(In rhythm to I Love You)
I hate you
You hate me
We're a violent family
With a great big gun
and a bang from me to you
Won't you say you hate me too.
(In rhythm to Joy To The World)
Joy to the world
Barney's dead
I barbequed his head
What happened to his body
I flushed it down the potty
And around and around it goes
And around and around it
And around and around around around it goes
Three Politicians
Three senators were sitting at the bar and having drinks with each other. The democrat started a conversation of were they liked their wives to be positioned during sex, the democrat said that he likes his wife on top, so he can see all of her. The republican said, "No no no I like my wife on the bottom, she needs to know who the one with the control and dominance is." The independent blurted out, "I prefer my wife out of town."
Gimma a Beer
A girl walks into a bar and sits down with her friend.
She is feeling down, so she talks to her friend. Her friend says "Go get a beer." She says she didn't want one. Then the friend says "Hey, who said it was for you?"
copyright fox corp.
Dumb Criminal
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
Drunk Juggler
A juggler who was driving to his next performance was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
I Like To..
Some times when the soap bar in the shower is small enough I like to swipe it thru my butt crack and say " beep! credit card accepted"
Barbershop
A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "Well, I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that?"
Guy says, "That's how you cut it last time."
Natural
A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde with a green stripe in her hair, walked into a barbor shop. The barbor asks where the brunette got the haircolor. She replies "Natural." He asks the red-head the same. She says, "Natural." Then he asks the blonde the same question, and she rubs the back of her hand over her nose, and on the green stripe, and says "Natural."
Walks Into a Bar
A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this?
Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!
On Top of Mount Fuji
Sing this to the tune of "On top of old oaky from "That's so Raven".
On top of Mount Fuji,
All covered in blood,
I shot poor Barney
With a 45 stud.
He went to the hospital.
He wasn't quite dead.
So I took a machine gun,
And blew off his head
I went to his funeral.
I went to his grave.
Some people threw flowers,
But i threw a grenade
TaDa!
Where Did You Get that Thing?
A huge black man entered in a bar with a huge and colorful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender was amazed, so he asked "Where did you get that thing?"
Then the parrot said, "Well they're walking all over Africa..."