The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
A guy walks into a bar... and finds this massive list of hilarious bartender jokes.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink, so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!" After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.
"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."
"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"
"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
A lawyer, a carpenter and an astronaut were having drinks in a bar when suddenly one gets up and hits the other.
"who hit me?"
"It wasn't me."
"I didn't see too much either."
"It must have been the dog"
"What dog?"
"I'm blind so I couldn't see a dog."
"Doh, that means I hit myself."
"hahahahaha how strange I thought you guys had hit me. Sorry about that."
A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for sometime at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A man was at a bar about to drink his drink. Then, a tough looking biker came and just drank the first man's drink. The first man said "Why did you do that? I have been having a horrible day. First, I wake up, am late for work, and get fired. Then, I come home to find my wife cheating, I get kicked out of the house, and I get beat up by a bunch of thugs. Finally, I was about to end it all by drinking that cup of poison that you drank!"
This man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and the bar tender asks him,
"What's your newt's name?"
and the man replies,
"Tiny"
and the bar tender says,
"Why is he called Tiny?"
and the man replies,
"Because he is minute."
(minute means small)
There are two fat guys in a bar, one of the guys, puts his empty glass on the bar and says, "your round", the other guy says, "so are you, you fat basted!"
A man walked into a bar... and it hurt!
An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen
A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller,
"Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today Iget a Hunat eighty?"
The teller says - "Fluctuations!"
The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too"
This guy sits down at the bar, and starts telling the bartendar, "I've been married for 12 years now and I want some variety. I'm sick of the same old thing! I want something different!" The bartendar says, "12 years thats a long time, you don't want to do anything stupid! Hell, if ya want something different just flip her over!" The man replies, "What? And have a houseful of kids!"
Jack locked up his bar and headed home. He'd been asleep a few minutes when the telephone rang.
"What time do you open in the morning?" he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
Furious, Jack slammed the phone down and went back to sleep. But the same guy called again.
" You might as well stop calling," Jack shouted." There's no way I'm letting a drunk like you into my bar!" "I don't want to get in," the caller interjected."I want to get out!"
The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"
What is the noisiest part of a tree?
Its bark.
A woman and her goose walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why'd you bring the pig in the bar?"
The woman answered, "I do believe this is a goose!" The bartender says, "I was talking to the goose!"
What's the difference between a "fox" and a "dog?" About 6 drinks.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?".
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation.
"Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said.
"So, what's your name?" she asked.
"Beerf$%^."
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A love call.
The secret to enjoying a good wine is:
1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth
I-rish my beer was full...
Q) What does a blond say when she comes out of a lesbian bar?
A) Wow, those people sure were friendly!