Diet Tips
1: Fatten every one around you to make them look bigger. You'll look thinner
2: If no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
3: Drink a diet soda with your candy bar. They'll cancel each other out.
4: Life's short, eat dessert first.
Bar
A guy walks into a bar... and finds this massive list of hilarious bartender jokes.
Dick
If you were a boy and your parents named you dick.
Wouldn't you be embarassed and change your name officially?
Guy Goes Into a Bar
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, He drinks it, and 5 minutes later orders another. This goes on for 2 hours straight, the guy ordering a beer every 5 minutes or so. After 2 hours the guy has had 24 beers and is pretty drunk.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "How did you do that/"
The guy responds, "It's no problem. You just chug 'em back."
Bartender; "Not the drinking part, I mean how did you drink 24 beers without going to the bathroom?"
The guy says, "Depends"
A Bus Trip
It was the senior citizens' monthly bus trip, and the new driver, a great deal younger than their usual driver, a sedate 50-something, was careering down winding roads at quite a pace.
The volunteer who was accompanying them was a little flustered, and with an embarrassed laugh, said to the old lady across the aisle, "Some speed, eh, Mrs. Jones?"
"I don't know about the others," she replied, "but I certainly have!"
Shopping
I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady friend. We were walking past the furniture section where there were several different models of bar stools on display. Next to them there was a sign that read: "All models in stock now!"
So I paused next to the display and said, "Do you know what these are?"
"What?" she asked.
I said, "Stool samples."
Ouch!
So, Michael Jackson walks into a bar.
Oh, that looked like it hurt! It must have knocked his nose off!
A Bar Joke
Three men walked into a bar. They died
An Embarrassing Story
There was a teenaged girl name Amanda, who just stepped out of the shower. She wrapped a towel around her body, and went into her room. She was very excited because her long time crush, Jason, was coming over to have dinner. She turned the radio on and her favorite song was playing, so she started to dance and sing. When the song was over she stopped dancing and realized that her towel had come off. She looked towards the door and saw that it was open, and Jason was standing there.
Bard
Shakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts at him,
"You can't come in here, you're Bard!"
Bike Tricks
A boy was trying to impress his mum on his new bike. He was going down the path and said to his mum,
"Look, mum, no feet!"
He then put his feet back on the bike and removed his hands from the handlebars. He then shouted,
"Look, mum, no hands!"
He then lost control of the bike and collided with a tree. His mum ran up to his side, whereas her son said,
"Look, mum, no teeth."
Martha Stewart
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail."
Give Me a Beer
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"
Dog Bite
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
Super Strength
A man walks into a bar and throws down a bet. 100 dollars to anyone who can do 100 pushups. A man disappears outside and returns minutes later. "I'll take that bet" the man says, and collapses after 50 pushups. "I don't get it", he says," I just did 150 outside!"
Shorty
The little cowboy, Shorty, was leaving the bar to get on his horse for the ride back to the ranch, when he noted that someone had painted his horse's balls blue.
Totally pissed, he went back into the bar and shouted, "Who's the dirty son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls blue?!"
A big burly guy stood up and said, "I did. Got a problem with that?"
"None," says Shorty, "just wanted to let you know he was dry and ready for the 2nd coat."
A Sandwich
A sandwich walked into a bar and asked for a pint.
The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food."
Irish 2
Why did the Irish people jump on the bartender?
He said, "The drinks are on me."
Do You Have Any Corn?
One day a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any corn?" and the bartender says, "No, we only sell beer."
The next day the man walks into the bar again and asks for corn but this time the bartender says, "Hey, you are the guy that asked for corn yesterday? If you ask for corn one more time i will nail you to the wall!"
The next day the man goes into the bar again and asks, "Do you have any nails?" and the bartender says, "No," so the man says, "Do you have any corn?"
Weird Facts X
In 1634, tulip bulbs were a form of currency in Holland.
A male kangaroo is called a boomer.
Penguins have an organ above their eyes that converts sea water to fresh water.
Bamboo makes up 99% of a panda's diet.
The first human-made object to break the sound barrier was a whip.
Beavers were once the size of bears.
The first ballpoint pens were sold in 1945 for $12.00 each.
His Best Friend
Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey.
His best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, "Lou, what's going on? Are you okay? I've known you for fifteen years and I've never seen you drink like this before."
Staring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, "My wife just ran off with my best friend," and tossed that drink down, too.
"But I thought that I was your best friend?" said Jim.
Lou looked at Jim through bloodshot eyes and slurred, "Not any more!"
Look Before You Eat
Once, a man walked into a bar. He went up to the counter and ordered his drink. The guy next to him had a bowl of chili that he didnt seem to be eating.
"Sir, could I bother you for some chili?" he asked very politely.
"Go right ahead" he responded, passing the chili.
About half way through, he saw there was a rat at the bottom of the chili. In repsonse to this he puked the chili back up. At this time the man next to him stared.
"Funny thats farther than I got," he said.
Number 12
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.
"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
"You're under 21," replies the barman.
Les Yeux Noir
A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.
"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"
"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
Half Drunk
A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife.
"What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?" she yells.
"I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money," he mutters.