The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what is in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
The Egyptologist sneezed: Hapshepsut!
Billy turns up at school very late one morning, and the teacher asks the reason why he's late.
"Sorry, Miss, my dad got burned."
"I'm sorry to hear that; I hope it's not serious," she replies.
"Oh, they don't piss about at the crematorium, Miss!"
Yo mama is so stupid she thinks these jokes are funny.
The principle of socialist economy of the period of transition to communism: the authorities pretend they are paying wages, workers pretend they are working. Alternately, "So long as the bosses pretend to pay us, we will pretend to work." This joke persisted essentially unchanged through the 1980s.
Yo momma is so stupid, she put a free sample on layaway.
I did your mom...
...a favor by making you...
...lunch.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up."
-Phyllis Diller
How do you praise a computer?
Say "Data Boy"!
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3. One to change it and the other two to argue whether the lightbulb really exists.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Candy
Candy who?
Candy have some sweets? Please!
Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me...
Q: Why isn't there a pro football team in Flint, Michigan?
A: Because then Detroit would want one too!
Q. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
Three men, a French, Chinese, and American, decided to have a contest. They wanted to see whose dog could go the longest without going to the bathroom. The Chinese man won after a few hours. A news reporter asked him how he acheived such a feat. He replied, in a rather sing-song way, "Me Chinese, me no dumb, me stick rock up doggie's bum!"
How can you tell if a blonde woman has been dating?
By the belt buckle imprint on her forehead.
The teacher stood at the front of the room. "Does anybody know what this Monday is?"
About half of the students raised their hands. The teacher pointed to one of them. "It's Columbus Day!" he crowed.
The teacher smiled. "It is. Does anybody know why we celebrate it?"
This time, only one student raised her hand. "It's the day the Indians discovered Columbus!"
How very true indeed.
Little 6 year old Nancy and her big sister, Sandy were at the mall, looking at a sweatshirt.
"That shirt is 60 dollars," said Sandy. "I wish I could afford it."
Then the shopkeeper comes up, and says, "Can I help you girls with something?"
"Well, this sweater is 60 dollars and we only have 43 dollars," said Nancy.
"Well, sorry, but you are a little short," said the shopkeeper.
"I can't help it, I'm only 6," Nancy replied.
What's better than going to school?
Having play time every day!