The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
One day, a kindergarten teacher, who was incidentally blonde, gave everybody a set of crayons and told them to draw something with it.
The teacher noticed that Little Johnny had drawn a sun enclosed in a box with rays shining out of it.
'Johnny,' said the teacher with a confused look. 'Did your grandparents come from Japan?'
'No, Macedonia,' said the colour blind child.
Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks: "Any luck?"
"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday," he boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Nope."
"Well, meet the new game warden."
"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Nope."
"Meet the biggest liar in the state!"
An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"
Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the
bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come
out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you
are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!
Doctor: "Does it hurt when you do this?"
Patient: "Yes"
Doctor: "Well, you shouldn't do it then."
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What in the hell is anal glaucoma?" he inquires.
"Well, I just can't see my ass coming to work today."
You're so stupid that when you send a FAX you put a stamp on it
An elderly lady went to a butcher's shop one day, and noticed that on the liver in the window were two white balls.
Being of a curious nature, she asked what these white balls might be, to be told that they were golf balls, and that placing them on the liver kept them supple.
She returns the following week, when there were four of these white balls lying on the liver.
"So you've shot another golfer, then?"
An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an American walk into a bar.
The beginning of a cheesy joke?
You betcha.
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli.
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on a quarter, boogers came out of George Washington's nose.
A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.
His lawyer argued, "Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years."
"Your Honor," the plaintiff's lawyer retored, "if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years!"
Patient: "My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?"
Doctor: "A shoebox!"
Why did they ban the wave at the local football games?
*Too many blondes were drowning.
Why was the blonde on the roof of the bar?
*Someone told her that the drinks were on the house.
Why don't blondes eat M&Ms?
*They are too hard to peel.
Why do blondes take the pill?
*It's the only way that they can keep track of what day of the week it is.
Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
*She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
One day, an old man went to a teenager with spiked hair. He asked him, "Have you done anything crazy in your life?"
The teen replied, "No".
So the old man said, "Well, about 15 years ago, I was drunk, and I saw a porcupine. Now I am wondering if you are my son."
The secret to enjoying a good wine is:
1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth
A patient was waiting for some results from his doctor. When the doctor arrives he says,
"I have some good news and some bad news which do you want first."
The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?
You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again...? I'm cured?"
What did the Lawyer name his daughter?
Answer: Sue
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?
1. How much money do you have?
2. Where can you get more?
3. Do you have anything you can sell?
Blind Hookers eh? You've got to hand it to them.
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Kook
Kook who?
Hey, who you calling cukoo mister?