The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third question?"
It is said that "it is always in the last place you look"
Well of course! Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it?
Teacher: Alvin, how many letters are in the alphabet?
Alvin: 18.
Teacher: Wrong, there are 26.
Alvin: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him.
Q: What's weirder than a talking dog?
A: A spelling bee!
Two blondes rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One blonde said to her friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same blonde asked her friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
Her friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
A man goes into the bar and orders a scotch. He gulps it down, and looks in his hand. He orders another one. He gulps it down and orders another one. He again looks in his hand. He orders 2 scotches this time and gulps them both down. He looks in his hand. The bartender, curious, asks the man what's going on.
The man replies, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts to look good, I'm going home."
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one has ever been before, but they decide to go anyway. They take a couple of guns and a hunting dog and head out into the woods. A few hours later, they still haven't caught anything.
"I don't get it," says the first blonde. "Why haven't we caught anything yet?"
The second blonde says,"I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school?
A: They are the only ones who erase their
notebook when the teacher erases the board.
What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dustin
Dustin who?
Dust in the air, please let me in!
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Banana !
Banana who ?
Banana split, so ice creamed !
A blonde is eating out at a very fancy restaurant with her family. Right then she sees an ice carving of a dolphin by the wall.
She says to the waiter, "I love that ice carving, but what do you do with it when it melts?"
In Midtown Manhattan a police officer arrives at the scene of what appears to be a bad accident. A pedestrian is lying in the crosswalk. The driver of the car under suspicion says, "I swear I didn't touch him! I saw him at the crosswalk, I came to a complete stop, motioned for him to cross, and he fainted."
Knock Knock !
Who's there ?
Bless !
Bless who ?
I didn't sneeze !
Q: Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
How do a blond's braincells die?
Alone.
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said...
"Please bring up a postcard. I'll mail her a note!"
Man 1: "Why have you painted your car red on one side and blue on the other?"
Man 2: "So that if I bang into anyone, the witnesses will have a marvellous time in court contradicting each other!"
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
A lawyer is talking to a *fellow* politician. 'I'm going to Switzerland next month,' said the honest politician. 'Oh really?' asked the lawyer. 'Which bank?'
You're so dumb you invented water proof tea bags!
A man sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man, incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Sing this to the tune of "On top of old oaky from "That's so Raven".
On top of Mount Fuji,
All covered in blood,
I shot poor Barney
With a 45 stud.
He went to the hospital.
He wasn't quite dead.
So I took a machine gun,
And blew off his head
I went to his funeral.
I went to his grave.
Some people threw flowers,
But i threw a grenade
TaDa!