The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
How many old geezers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Back in my day, we didn't have lightbulbs. We put candles in tin cans and hung them from the ceiling with thread. And we had to walk uphill both ways to school in a blizzard with nothing but a potato to keep us warm. And... zzzzzz......
One day a blonde came home from work early and when she walked into her house, she saw her husband in bed with another woman. She pulls her gun out of her purse and points it to her head. Her husband screams, "NO DON'T DO IT! I'm sorry!"
To which the blonde replies "SHUT UP! You're next!"
Your momma so fat when she broke a leg gravy came out.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snowflake.
Snowflake who?
There's snowflake like home!
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
What is Beethoven doing today?
-Decomposing.
You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers!"
1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator
2. Where to Find the Toys in the Oven
3. 101 Games to Play in the Road
4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork
5. Your Nightmares are Real
6. Monsters Killed Grandpa
7. All Guns Squirt Water
8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
9. If it's Storming out, the Best Place to Take Shelter is under a Tree
10. Dad's New Wife Robert
A blonde walked in a library and went to the librarian, pulls out a thick book and started screaming at her.
She yells, "THIS BOOK IS HORRIBLE! THERE ARE TOO MANY CHARACTERS AND NO PLOT WHATSOEVER!"
The librarian stares at her, then calmly replies, "So you're the one who took our phone book."
Pedro was driving down the street, in a panic, because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."
Why is Mississippi River unusual?
Because it has four eyes and can't see!
A boss of a computer company walked up to one of his workers.
"You're fired!" exclaimed the boss.
"I didn't do anything!" replied the confused worker.
The boss, happy with his answer, says, "I know. That's why you're fired!"
A girl and her best friend were at a cafe. The girl said her boyfriend finally told her about marriage. Her best friend asked her what he said. "He is married and has 3 kids," she replied.
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.
While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.
The researchers are at a loss to explain the phenomenon.
How many Hubluzas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
There is no lightbulb!
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.
They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?"
The nun replied, "Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break?"
Knock-Knock.
Who's There?
Tank.
Tank Who?
You're Welcome!
The Americans and the Russians had a car race, in which the car from America won.
However, the report in the newspapers of Russia, read as follows â
"In a recent motor race, the Russian car finished in second place, while the American car finished next to last."
(There were only two cars involved!)
Why don't you slip into something comfortable.
Like a coma.
Your momma so fat that when she layed on the beach, four guys from greenpeace tried to throw her back in.
Your so stupid you tried to kill a fish by drowning it!
Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Sara.
Sara who?
Sara doctor in the house?!