Boo!
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Don't cry it's just a joke
Knock Knock
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Duck
One day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, "Put it on my bill!"
Puns
Bet Money She Was Blond...
Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym.
The hotel receptionist's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it when she answered.
"We have over 300 guests at at this facility" she said. Â
"Does this 'Jim' have a last name?"
Technology
Be Quiet in Mass
A teacher asked her children just before they were about to leave class for Mass,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet during Mass?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Deep Thoughts
On the Golf Course
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Sports
Antenna
I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!
Puns
Pie
A blond is in math class. The teacher says, "We are going to be learning about pi (3.14) today. Does anyone know what that is?" The blond says "I do. I made a cherry one this morning."
School
Latin Class
To help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase:
semper ubi, sub ubi
Translation:
Always wear under wear.
School
Blonde on the Road
A blonde is on the road when suddenly she gets a phonecall from her friend: "Watch out! I heard on the radio that some lunatic is going against traffic!" So the blonde says, "Only one? They all are!"
Technology
So Ugly
Yo Mama's so ugly not even the tide would take her out.
Yo Momma
Rainy Day
How do you keep a blonde busy on a rainy day?
Tell her to touch the rainbow.
Technology
Popcorn
Yo mama so fat, she coughed next to a corn field and made popcorn.
Yo Momma
Blood
Yo mama is so stupid she couldn't even pass a blood test.
Yo Momma
Charging Rhino
How do you keep a Rhino from charging?
Take away its credit card.
Animals
What's the difference?
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.
Sports
Sheriff or Veterinarian
The sheriff of a small western town was also the town veterinarian. Late one night the phone rang, and his wife answered it.
"Is your husband there?" asked an agitated voice.
"Do you require my husband's services as a sheriff or as a veterinarian?" She asked.
"Both," came the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
Animals
Sick Bucket
Q: How can you tell when a bucket gets sick?
A: It becomes a little pale.
Puns
Racial Lightbulb Jokes
Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hey, that's not funny! We're suing!
Q: How many Japanese does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Who needs lightbulbs with our technology?
Q: How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: We can't afford lightbulbs. The only thing I can afford is this old gym sock.
Lightbulb
Where's the P?
Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."
"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
"It's running down my leg."
Kids
Terrorist Alert
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Puns
WHAT DENOMINATION?
BLONDE woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
Animals
The Pretty Dress
One Sunday morning, as was his custom, the pastor of a small church had all the children come up front for a brief children's church. He enjoyed asking the children various questions, and hearing their answers. On this particular morning, he noticed little Susie feeling a bit shy, so he leans over to her and says, "Susie, that's certainly a lovely dress you're wearing!" Little Susie then leans over and says right into the pastor's lapel mic, "yes, and my mommy says its a bitch to iron".
Kids
Roman Holidays
The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.
One Liners
Numbers
If two's a company and three's a crowd... what's four and five?
NINE!!!!
One Liners