Lightbulb
- How many blonds do you need to change a lightbulb ?
- Hundred. One holds the lightbulb and the other ninety nine rotates the house.
Lightbulb
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Testing, 1, 2
Your mom is so stupid, when the doctor told her she had to take a pregnancy test, she asked how long she had to study
Yo Momma
Running For Office
While running for the Senate in New York, the young man's political advisor heard some very upsetting news.
"Listen," he said, "you must go to Albany right away or you're going to lose a lot of votes. They're telling lies about you there."
"I have to go to Buffalo first or I'll lose even more votes," replied the candidate.
"Why? What's happening in Buffalo?" the advisor asked.
"They're telling the truth about me!" replied the candidate.
Office
Why Didn't Cain Please God?
Q: Why didn't Cain please God?
A: Because he just wasn't Able.
Puns
Rich kids and Poor Kids
These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool, and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, "Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were?" "Yeah," says his mate, "It's probably because they've got toys to play with."
Kids
Darth Vader
Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas?
A. He felt his presence!
Puns
Polish Wolf
Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf?
He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.
Animals
12 Year Old's Pocket
According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money
Kids
Pictures from Police
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
Technology
Elephants & Ducks
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Animals
Two Hunters
This was unveiled by scientists as "The Funniest Joke in the World":
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Food
What's Black and blue......?
Q: What's black, blue, brown and laying in a ditch?
A: A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
Misc
Kidneys and Livers
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."
"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.
"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
Medical
Car Keys
"Dad, can I have the car keys?"
"Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"
Dad Jokes
Oddy
There once was this kid named Oddy,
He always missed the Potty,
He went some poops,
and shouted out oops,
Because Oddy Missed the Potty
Misc
Dream
Jack tells his shrink, "Last night I dreamed you were my mother."
"How did you feel about it after you woke up?" asks the psychiatrist.
"I overslept," answers Jack. "Then I remembered I had an appointment with you, so I grabbed a Coke and some cookies for breakfast and came right over. I didn't really have time to think about it. What does it mean, doc?"
"A Coke and some cookies?" says the psychiatrist. "You call that breakfast?"
Medical
Blonde Driver
Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch?
Her blinker was on.
Misc
Hungry Momma!
Yo mama is so fat, she's the reason they declared world hunger.
Yo Momma
Lawyer vs Dry Cleaner
Q: What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer?
A: The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.
Legal
Goin' to Church
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church...." And, as she was running she tripped and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again, Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!
Kids
My Perfect Mate
A bachelor asked his friend to find him the perfect mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities."
Without thinking, his friend replied: "Marry a penguin."
Knock Knock
Hop Scotch
Yo momma's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this :
Washington, California, Nevada, now Arizona
Yo Momma
OOPS
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
Medical
The Anniversary
A very old man and a woman are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The man starts crying quietly. Touched by the mans sensitive side, she goes over to him, hugs him, and asks him whats the matter.
The man says, "Remember when we were 15 and your daddy who was a sheriff caught us? And remember he said I either had to marry you for what we did or I spend 50 years in jail?"
The woman nods.
The man says, "Well today I could have been a free man."
Relationships