The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Teacher to student: "I just read the composition on 'My House' that you had submitted."
Student: "Yes, is there anything wrong?"
Teacher: "No. It was excellent. It was exactly the same composition that your older brother submitted last year."
Student: "Well...we live in the same house..."
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Say the word pig before each word.
Pigs
About
Talking
Idiot
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look
Now say the word pig after each word
Pigs
About
Talking
Idiot
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look
Next say the word pig before and after each word
Pigs
About
Talking
Idiot
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look
Finally read the list of words from the bottom up.
Pigs
About
Talking
Idiot
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look
Have a Great day :)
The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:
"Parking for drive-through customers only!"
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
The Perfect Breakfast:
You're sitting at the table and:
your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties....
your mistress is on the cover of Playboy ...
and your wife is on the back of the milk carton...
Q: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope?
A: No, I skipped it!
Whats the object of Jewish football?
To get the quarter back.
A dad to his son: If someone calls for me, tell him that I'm out.
The son: And if he doesn't call?
What do Constipated Mathematicians do?
Work it out with a pencil.
Pilot: "Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!"
Tower: "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'"
Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone's gonna lose a trailer.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Wet.
Wet who?
Wet me in! It's waining!
Yo mama is so stupid she waited at a Stop sign until it said Go.
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
You're so ugly instead of taking you to the doctor your mom took you to the vet.
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
My friend works in a post office. One day, a man handed ten postcards to my friend and ask her to put them in the mailbox. She noticed that they had all been addressed but none of them contained a message, so she asked the man why the postcards nothing written on them.
The man said, "I told everyone that I'd send postcards, but I didn't say I'd write a message."
Johnny and his mother were having a parent-teacher conference.
MOTHER: Johnny really enjoys having you as a teacher, Mrs. Bengal.
JOHNNY: Really? I didn't know it was opposite day!
Two babies were born in the same hospital on the same day and ended up in adjacent basinettes in the nursery.
Eighty-five years later, by coincidence, each of them is admitted to the same hospital with a "terminal" diagnosis, and they end up in the same two-bed semi-private room.
And one of them rolls over and says to the other "So, what did you think?"
Thanks to Steven Wright
One day a secretary noticed her boss's fly was open.
Not wanting to embarrass him, she whispers in his ear, "Your barracks are open, and your soldier is saluting at the gates."
The man, realizing what she means, decides to have some fun and says, "Do you see the colonel standing to attention?"
She whispers back, "No; all I see is a veteran sitting on his two duffel bags."
A Blonde is getting on an elevator and meets a gentleman on
board.
"T.G.I.F." she says.
"S.H.I.T" was his reply.
Puzzled she replied "T.G.I.F"
The gentleman was getting a little disturbed the the remark, so
he says again. "S.H.I.T.".
The Blonde leans over and whispers "THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY".
The gentleman responses with "SORRY, HONEY IT'S THURSDAY".
A woman went in for a breast exam. The doctor said, "Have a seat. I have to numb your breasts first."
The woman said, "Okay."
So the doctor put his face between her breasts and said, "Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb."
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.