The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand and on Lena's knee.
Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realised that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes.
Knock-Knock.
Who's There.
OMG
OMG who?
OMG! How long has that cookie been in your Lunch Box?!
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Me
Me who?
Who the hell is me-who???
JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill
Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
What did the wall say to the picture?
How's it hangin`?
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?".
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".
Girliepie has one that is really embarrassing! I tell it from her point of view -
It was the next to last day of school and I was walking in the hall with my friends. I saw my friend Jacob a few feet away from me, so I decided to say hi. We always play around, so I went up behind him and put my arm around him and said, "Hey sexy". He turned around and looked at me and it wasn't him! It was some kid I've never seen before in my life! My face turned beet red!
There's this guy he goes to see the doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom."
The doctor says, "It's ok, I'll give you some cream to put on it."
1. The Yankees General Manager's name is Brian Cashman.
2. Barry Bonds' initals are BB, the abreviation for a walk is also BB.
Q: How do you sink a canadian submarine?
A: You swim underneath it and knock on the door
how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2, but I don't know how they got in there!
What is it called when an insect kills themself?
Pesticide!
Salary Increase
"I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?"
"The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company," the man replied.
Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
knock-knock.
who's there?
yo mama.
yo mama who?
this is yo mama stop playing.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun." answered the other detective.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" asked the first detective.
"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"
What's the difference between a "fox" and a "dog?" About 6 drinks.
I would punch you but I couldn't make you any uglier.
Can women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Yo mamma so fat when she wears high heels 2 hours later they're flip flops.
-Overheard by a professor in the halls a few weeks after the semester starts-
Male student to another male student-
"Yeah, I signed up for a women's studies course. It wasn't what I expected it to be."
"Really? Why is that?"
"Well, it involves all this reading about ancient goddesses, and about female empowerment. I thought the class would be a little more...hands on."
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."