The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Tom, the fisherman, wrote the following to a mail order catalogue, "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
A few days later, Tom received the following reply, "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
-- Robert Orben
boodler---> kind of sounds like Boob blur! and zats why battery fucks boobler 69 times a day.
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, and driving his partner nuts.
Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense.
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty days' pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
Looking in the mall for a nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20- something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.
"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"
"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Autos Killing 110 a Day - Let's Resolve to Do Better
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
This is the epitaph on the gravestone of an army mule:
Here lies Maggie, who in her time kicked two colonels, four majors, ten captains, twenty-four lieutenants, forty-two sergeants, four hundred eighty-six privates, and one bomb.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know. They can't get the dead one out.
Once upon a time, there was an elderly couple. Next door, there lived a Peeping Tom. One day, the couple received a phone call. The woman said, "Fred! Peeping Tom tells us to shut the blinds or he'll call the police!"
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"
"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Did you hear about the football game with the 0-0 score?
Never mind, it's pointless.
There are these kids at school, each bragging about how they ruined something in an amount of time.
1st kid: I wore out a pair of shoes in 1 month.
2nd kid: I wore out a pair of jeans in 1 week.
3rd kid: Oh that's nothing, I wore out my babysitter in 5 minutes!
One to his friend:
"My little brother started walking last week!"
The other friend:
"Where did he go? He should be kilometers away!"
Teacher: The reason why we see lightening before we hear thunder is because light travels faster than sound.
Blonde student: How do you explain a CLAPPER?
A king is sentencing his prisoners. The first person enters and says that he stole a horse. "Hang him," the king yells. The second person comes in and says he stole old ladies' purses. "You heartless fiend! Shoot him" the king growls. The third person comes in and says that he pirated software on the internet and stole billions of dollars from internet companies. "Well what the heck are you guys doing just standing there?", he tells his men, "Hire him already!"
Q) How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) One, but it takes 3 lightbulbs.
The judge read the charges, then asked: "Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No, your honor," replied Tommy. "I've got a lawyer to do the defending. I'm the person who did it."
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"
There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
A blonde was driving her brand new, VERY expensive, Mustang convertible, when she saw her brunette friend. She thought that this was her chance to brag about it, so she drove over to her.
The brunette recognized her, and said, "Hey!" The blonde smiled; this was her chance. She said, "Hey, look what I got that you don't have!" patting her convertible.
The brunette smiled sweetly back and said, "Well, look what I got that YOU don't have," patting her brain.
How many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they only screw the poor.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"