Jail Horse
What do you call a horse that escaped from jail?
A Zebra.
Animals
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
You Idiot!
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Medical
So Fat
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks by the television set you miss three episodes.
Yo Momma
Baby Talk
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Kids
Knock Knock
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To you.
Knock Knock
Numbers
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!
Puns
Tan
Your Mom is so fat, she's the only one at the beach that gets a tan.
Yo Momma
As the Crowded Elevator...
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Relationships
Breakfast
An angry wife met her husband at the door. She could smell alcohol on his breath and there was lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there's a reason you're waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
Relationships
Communication
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts."
"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
Relationships
Mince Pie
A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."
Office
Knocking??
Knock-Knock
Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell
Knock Knock
Crabs
A lonely female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward herâbut he was walking straight and not sideways!
Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately.
The next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab! She asked, "What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!"
He answered "What?! I can't get that drunk every day!".
Animals
Mad Cow
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?"
Animals
Misusing Pager
A blond was using a pager for the first time. When the operator instructed her to key in "10" to leave a voice message, she followed and after the beep, said, "Excuse me, may I speak to Zeron please?"
Technology
Dont Read This Boys
Q: How many Clowns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Paid Clowns - 5
Boys in school - 1000
Lightbulb
Rookie
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?"
"Right after the National Anthem."
Sports
Racing Cabbage
If a rabbit were racing cabbage, who would win?
The cabbage, because it's a head.
Puns
Best Diet
Best Friend to Former Fat Guy: Hey man, you're looking good. Looks like you lost lots of pounds. Any secrets?
Former Fat Guy: Eating dates.
Best Friend: Oh yeah? I've read that compared to other foods, dates have the highest anti-oxidant values. How much and how many times a week do you eat dates?
Former Fat Guy: Oh just one date every week-end. I eat first before I fuck.
Food
Bunny
One day a father and his daughter were driving down the street when the father said, "Look! A bunny. Can you say bunny, bu-nny?"
"Bunny!" the daughter replied.
They suddenly felt the car go over a bump.
Then the girl said, " Daddy, its not a bunny anymore."
"What is it then?" he asked.
The daughter replied, "Can you say roadkill, road-kill?"
Kids
A Cup of Coffee
Guest: "A cup of coffee, please!"
Waiter: "Turkish or filtered?"
Guest: "Why, filtered, of course."
Waiter: "Then you'll have to bring your own filter paper for now."
Bar
Nothing Hurts
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me!"
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because nothing hurts."
Medical
Klepto!
Guy goes to see his doctor - "Doctor, please help me, I've got kleptomania bad!"
"OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they've not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?"
Medical
In Hillary Clinton's New Book...
"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."
- Jay Leno
Deep Thoughts