The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A little girl is helping her mommy with the dishes when she notices that some of her hairs are gray. She asks her mom,
"Why are some of your hairs gray?"
The mom replies cleverly, "Whenever you make me cry or lie to me, one of my hairs turn gray." The girl thinks for a minute, and then asks,
"Is that why all Grandma's hairs are gray?"
Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acidently on purpose!
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes me, who's you?
(This is me, who's you.)
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
This man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and the bar tender asks him,
"What's your newt's name?"
and the man replies,
"Tiny"
and the bar tender says,
"Why is he called Tiny?"
and the man replies,
"Because he is minute."
(minute means small)
Teenager: Dad, did you hear that Jake broke up with Taylor?
Dad: Oh no, another album.
Yo momma's so old, her memories are in black and white!
A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.
"I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady.
"For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully.
"Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest."
A pregnant woman was on a bus. As the bus was going along, the woman started to give birth. An off-duty doctor rushed to her side and started to help her. He shouted to the rest of the bus, "Can someone help me?" Then towards the back of the bus a blond got up and smashed the back window. The doctor turned to her and said, "What did you do that for?" The blond replied, "Well it said on the window, In emergency, break glass."
Yo momma is so fat I had to take five trains, eight cars,
and twelve airplanes just to get around her!
Doctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?
Wonder if you are a redneck....Well, if you have been married four times and still have the same in-laws you must be.
At a wedding rehearsal, the pastor told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."
The father, a department store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed his daughter's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
You're so stupid, you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
Three boys are walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is just looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out, "I am the ghost of Auntie Mabel and this five dollars stays on the table!"
The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again.
The third boy goes in, sees the five dollars and cries out, "I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!"
When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.
When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.
But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
1st man: My son was born on Saint David's day, so I called him David.
2nd man: My son was born on Saint Patrick's day, so I called him Patrick.
3rd man: Well, my son was born on Shrove Tuesday, so I called him Pancakes.
Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"
It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.
The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?
Yo momma's so tall, she did a cartwheel and hit Jesus.
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk of course; the other three are mythical creatures.