Free Tickets
Q: How do you get free tickets to a concert fast?
A: Bring a gun to the box-office.
Office
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Government Power
What does the government have but never uses to make life simple?
Their power!
Misc
Keep Arguing
How many Wocka users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: All of 'em. One to hold the lightbulb and the rest to argue if this is funny or not.
Lightbulb
Analogy
Fill in the blank to this odd analogy.
Quiz is to quizzical as test is to _______
Misc
Magic Show
Billy asked his mother, "Can I go over to Little Johnny's house and watch the magic show?"
Billy's mother replied, "Whatever do you mean, dear?"
He answered, "The one Johnny's mom performs. I heard her tell Miss Figpot that she got $600 for doing six tricks last night. That must be some kind of show!"
Misc
My House
One time there was 2 rednecks Bob and John. They were best friends. Bob had just gone bankrupt so he asked John if he could move in with him. Now John didn't have a big house like Bob use to have but agreed to let him stay there till he got out of bankruptcy. The next day when Bob moved in, while at dinner Bob said: "John you know what?" John said:"What is it Bob?" "I thought my house was shitty. Then i came to yours."
Food
A Little Boy and the Bible
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:
"It's Adam's suit!"
Kids
A Simple Idea On Cost Saving
From an interview with a millionaire:
"What is your secret to making money?"
"Quite simple. Before entering business I observed that most of the sales profits are generally lost in the handling of complaints and refunds. So I made my decision to try to eliminate these expenses."
"I can say that's quite a big task!"
"Not for me. I simply started selling parachutes."
Technology
Women With PMS
Why does it take 3 women with PMS to change a lightbulb?
BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK!!!!
Lightbulb
CRACK
A blond and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blond asked the brunette what she was going to buy.
The brunette replied, "I think I'll buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?"
The blond said, "I think I'm gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it."
Technology
Little Johnny was Giving Confession...
Little Johnny was giving confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
Technology
Michael Jackson
How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answer: One, but 500 children to hold the ladder!
Lightbulb
Jack and Joe
Jack and Joe are in a diner where there's a computer who gives advice to the people in the diner. Jack starts talking about how the two are going to graduate from high school when a young boy walks in. He explains his problem to the computer, which gladly offers him advice. The boy walks out happily.
The computer comes over to Jack and Joe. Joe asks, "Hey, how come you never help us with our problems?"
The computer answers, "I'm just a computer. I'm not a miracle maker."
Programming
A Meeting With the Board
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.
"I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
Office
Doctor,Doctor!
1.Doctor, Doctor! My son swallowed a pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil instead!
2.Doctor, Doctor! I think I'm getting shorter!
You'll just have to be a little patient.
3.Doctor, Doctor! I'm invisible!
I'm sorry, sir, I can't see you right now.
Medical
Perfect Idiot
People say you are the perfect idiot. I say you are not perfect, but you are doing pretty good.
One Liners
Someone
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I
should have been more specific."
-Jane Wagner
One Liners
Ole and Lars
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
Food
Hillary Clinton is the Junior Senator...
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments."
- David Letterman
Food
Peek-A-Boo
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"
The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
Medical
Cheating On Your Husband
A husband & wife are talking.
Husband: "How many times have you cheated on me?"
Wife: "Only twice."
Husband: "Tell me about them."
Wife: "Remember when you were very sick, and we didn't have money to pay for the doctor? Well, I slept with him."
Husband: "That's not so bad; and the other?"
Wife: "Remember when you were running in the elections, and you needed 450 votes?"
Relationships
Depression
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
One Liners
Cats
Q: Why are cats similar to sentences?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause.
Puns
Bright
Why did the teacher have to put on her glasses during class?
Because the kids were to bright!
Kids