Pepto-Bismol
You might be a redneck if your dad bought you a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for Christmas.
Dad Jokes
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Groups
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursdays
at 7:30 to 8:30, Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use
large double doors at the side entrance.
Misc
Religious Truths
There are 3 religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian Faith
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
Technology
Door Knockers
Q: Why did the scientist install a door knocker on his door and not a door bell?
A: He wanted to win the No-Bell (Nobel) prize!
Puns
Hard Questions
Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
Dad Jokes
Airborne
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, the fools jump."
School
Teenagers
Why did the teenager cross the road?
Because his parents told him not to.
Misc
DUCK!
There were three men at a bar. One of them ducked and the other two fell down because they hit the bar.
Bar
Glad to be Drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Bar
How many?
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
Kids
Cross-Country
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
One Liners
Sick Blonde
A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."
"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
Food
Blonde Light
Why can't blondes put in lightbubs?
Because they keep breaking them with hammers.
Lightbulb
Hearing AIDS
One guy went to see a doctor because he had a hearing problem, so he met his friend and the conversation began!
First guy: "Did the doctor give you your test results?"
Second guy: "Yeah. Looks like all those years of phone sex caught up with me.
I have hearing AIDS."
Medical
An Elderly Woman Died...
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
Relationships
Why Did You Not Read It?
The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information.
Says Vince Vieceli, "Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees."
Legal
Success
Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!
One Liners
Anything
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.
"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she repeats, "...I would do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens. "*Anything*??"
"*Anything*."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"
Food
Kanga
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
No! Kangaroo!
Knock Knock
Roach Joke
How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter!
Animals
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Prof. Tom will not meet his classes this afternoon.
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School
Let Me In!
Knock-Knock
Who's there
Icee
Icee who
I see you in there now let me in!
Knock Knock
Work Equations
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
Office
Elfs
Q. What do elfs learn while in school?
A. The elfabet!
School