The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The following is something actually said by my dad. I wanted to see what my dad would say if I said I might be gay, here was his reaction.
YOU'D BETTER NOT BE!! EVEN IF I HAVE TO BUY YOU SOME PUSSY, YOU WILL NOT BE GAY!!!!!!
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.
The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble! I'm a lawyer!"
The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge."
Q: Why do Hondas and Hyundais have standard rear-window defoggers?
A: So your hands don't get cold when you're pushing them.
Q: What is the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine?
A: With a Porsche, the pricks are on the inside.
A business man in Chicago had occasion to write a Japanese friend in Tokyo. Mindful of the Oriental's appreciation of flowery language and of his own duty to the cause of good public relations, he ended his letter with the wish,
"May Heaven preserve you always."
To the delight of the business man's office staff, the Japanese responded with,
"May Heaven pickle you, too."
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
Q. how long does it take for a man to change a lightbulb?
A. 5 mins. 20 secs.
1 min to get a lightbulb
1 min to try and change it
1 min to swear because he can't do it
1 min to find a woman
20 secs. for her to change it
1 min for him to cry and gripe about it.
My friend works in a post office. One day, a man handed ten postcards to my friend and ask her to put them in the mailbox. She noticed that they had all been addressed but none of them contained a message, so she asked the man why the postcards nothing written on them.
The man said, "I told everyone that I'd send postcards, but I didn't say I'd write a message."
I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago.
A camel can go eight days without a drink -
but who the hell wants to be a camel.
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information.
Says Vince Vieceli, "Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees."
Two friends, who haven't met for a couple of years, are catching up with each other's news.
One says, "And then the doctor said he'd have me back on my feet in a fortnight!"
His pal says, "Well, did he?"
"He sure did, I had to sell my car to pay him!"
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"
Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."
Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000.
Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171
Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188
Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more
dangerous than gun owners!
A man walked into the doctor's surgery and said, "Doctor, every time I break wind it sounds like a motor bike."
"That's very interesting; is there anything else bothering you?" asked the doctor.
"I also have a large boil on my backside," said the man.
"Right," said the doctor, "I will lance your boil and your problem will disappear."
"How's that?" asked the man.
"Because abscess makes the fart go Honda."
one of my friends was in trouble because he had sex with his teacher, but the bad part is he's home schooled
What do you call an Italian Cop?
Guinea Pig
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth," lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
Dad: Son what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread?
Son: I don't know.
Dad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread.
A man walks into a dentist's and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "You need a psychiatrist, mate."
The man says, "Yes, I know."
The dentist replies, "Well, why have you come in here?"
"Your light was on!"
In a classroom, the teacher tell the pupils that peanuts make your smarter.
Then a pupil said: "Are you nuts?"
Here are some favorite sayings from people all over the world.
Doctor: Oops.
Secretary: I'm pregnant!
Travel Agent: I know what you did last summer...
Michael Jackson: I didn't do it!
Bill Clinton: I didn't do it! Oh wait...Yes, I did.
Computer Programmer: H0w d0 y0u w0rk th15 "Ch355" g4m3?? 1 N33D H3LP!!!111//
Pilot: Are we there yet?
Mad Scientist: I like Cows!
Cell Phone Tester: Can you hear me now?
Video Gamer: Can the line lag any further?
How many old geezers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Back in my day, we didn't have lightbulbs. We put candles in tin cans and hung them from the ceiling with thread. And we had to walk uphill both ways to school in a blizzard with nothing but a potato to keep us warm. And... zzzzzz......
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher says "spit your gum out" and a train says "choo choo!!"