Prayers
A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three-year-old boy began in all seriousness: "Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name?"
Misc
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Nobody
Nobody's perfect-I'm a nobody.
One Liners
Eminem/ M & M
Eminem/ M & M:
I don't like the rapper, but I like the candy inside the wrapper.
Puns
Your Coat is on Fire
The master, to impress on his pupils the need of thinking before speaking, told them to count to fifty before saying anything important, and to one hundred if it was very important. The next day he was speaking, standing with his back to the fire, when he noticed several lips moving rapidly. Suddenly the whole class shouted: "Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, a hundred. Your coat is on fire, sir!"
Kids
Band
How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5... 1 to try and fail, 3 to stand around and pretend to be musicians, and 1 to actually do it right.
How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3... 1 to do it, and 2 to say they can do it better.
How many tuba players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2... 1 to crush the lightbulb, and the other to fight about it.
Lightbulb
Scotland vs. Rock
What's the difference between a Scot and Mick Jagger?
Mick Jagger sang "Hey, you, get offa my cloud."
The Scot says "Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe."
Animals
Battle of the Sexes
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Relationships
Oh, No, Not Me!
The boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
...at which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."
Office
Diarhea
Did you know diarhea is part of your inheritence?
Ya, it flows in our genes.
Puns
Birds
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
One Liners
Birdy
2 blondes are walking in the park and the 1st blonde says, "LOOK! Dead bird!"
The 2nd blonde looks up into the sky and yells "Where?!"
Animals
Cold Cream
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Kids
Lightbulbs
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
Lightbulb
Moles
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."
Puns
Lawyers Robbed
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $50 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers.... we had $100 when we broke in!"
Legal
First Delivery
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Brett, a college boy delivered his pizza.
"Well," Brett continued, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," Brett said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?" inquired the man.
And Brett replied, "Applied psychology."
Food
Book in the Hospital
Why did the book have to go to the hospital?
Because it injured its spine.
Medical
A Letter to Santa
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Kids
How Can You Tell If You're One of Life's Losers?...
You don't have any luck at all if:
-The guarantee on your used car expires two hours before the car's engine does.
- You start to go bald at the same time you reach puberty.
-You get your BIG break and make the football team only to trip over the bench and break your leg.
-You find a ten-dollar bill and get arrested when you try to spend it because it's counterfeit.
Sports
Germs!
A father asked his son: "Why do you take the medicine before it's time? "
The son answered:" To surprise the germs! "
Kids
Doctor Jokes
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I know a person who is an owl.
Doctor: Who?
Patient: Now I know two.
Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
Medical
House and Home
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
Technology
Offender
Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?"
Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."
Office
Redneck Party
Recently, my redneck neighbors invited me to a party. Here was our conversation:
"Hey dude! Where are you man? We're having a great party over here. Why don't you come on over and join us?"
I replied, "Man, I'm not feeling so good. I think I'm gonna stay right here."
"Well, hey. What'cha got?" they asked.
"I got a case of diarrhea," I responded.
"Well heck, bring it along. These fools will drink anything!"
Food