Kidnapping in the Woods...
Hey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods?
Yeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up...
Puns
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The Cow
James came to school late.
TEACHER: James, why are you late?
JAMES: I had to take the cow to the bull to mate.
TEACHER: Couldn't your father do that?
JAMES: No, I think it's better for the bull to do it.
Kids
Dinner
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken.Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Food
Sign #2
Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Office
Sick Aunt
At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know, you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
Medical
Milk Carton
Yo Mama is so fat that when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo Momma
Cow Eating Grass
All the boys and girls in Mrs. Dovers class are drawing. Mrs. Dover came over to Tommy and said, "What picture are you drawing?" Tommy said, "A cow eating grass." "Ok, where's the grass?" "The cow ate it all." "Ok, where's the cow?" "He went to go look for more grass."
Food
Richard Nixon
Why did Richard Nixon become President?
Everyone called him Dick! They judged him by his name!
Legal
DUHH!!
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Me DUHH!!
Knock Knock
Kids
Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.
One Liners
Don't Touch Me!
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Kip.
Kip who?
Kip your hands off me!
Knock Knock
Phonebook Dilemma
Why are there no phone books in China?
Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.
Puns
Tomato Family
There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!"
Puns
Movie Stars II
How many movie stars does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he takes one step up the ladder and then his stunt double takes over!
Lightbulb
Noisiest Part
What is the noisiest part of a tree?
Its bark.
Bar
Procrastinators
Procrastinators meeting tomorrow.
Office
Beckham Joke
Beckham went into training one day and saw Owen with a thermo-flask. He asked him what it was for and Owen said "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold".
The next day Beckham came into training with a thrmo-flask. So Owen asked him what he had in it. He said "well you said it kept hot things hot, and cold things cold so Posh told me to put in some coffee and enough choc-ices for the lads but when I looked into the thermo-flask, when I got here, the choc-ices had melted!"
Sports
March
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march.
We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," he continued, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
Deep Thoughts
Forget Your Troubles
Doctor: "Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work."
Patient: "But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!"
Medical
Putt, Drag, Putt, Drag, Putt.....
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."
Sports
Rabies!
A man is bitten by a rabid dog he found wandering in his yard. Frantically, he rushes his computer and begins typing something. His neighbor walks in, and mentions to him that he need not worry, there is a cure for rabies.
He replies, "I know that; I'm finding where George Bush is right now!"
Programming
Horse
A horse walked into a bar.
The barman said,
"Why the long face?"
Animals
Bad Day
How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear, and she's looking for her pencil.
Misc
Number 12
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.
"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
"You're under 21," replies the barman.
Bar