Ghosts
Why don't ghosts make good magicians?
You can see right through them!
One Liners
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Mind Over Matter
Mind Over Matter
If you don't mind,
it doesn't matter.
Puns
Golden
Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.
One Liners
Phone Conversation
Sam: "Cas, phone for you!"
Cas: "Okay, thanks, Sam." --BEEP OF PHONE BEING TURNED ON-- "Hello? Oh, hi...."
--AFTER PHONE CONVERSATION--
Sam: "So, who was it?"
Cas: "Heather."
Sam: "What did she want?"
Cas: "Our phone number."
Kids
Dry Cleaners
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
Misc
What's the difference?
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.
Sports
On Top of Mount Fuji
Sing this to the tune of "On top of old oaky from "That's so Raven".
On top of Mount Fuji,
All covered in blood,
I shot poor Barney
With a 45 stud.
He went to the hospital.
He wasn't quite dead.
So I took a machine gun,
And blew off his head
I went to his funeral.
I went to his grave.
Some people threw flowers,
But i threw a grenade
TaDa!
Bar
Progress
If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?
One Liners
Give a Man a Fish...
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
One Liners
Yo Mama*2
Yo Mama is so fat that the local restaurant says :Maximum occupancy 115 people or yo mama.
Yo Momma
White Horse
A white horse walked into a bar. The barman saw him and said, "We have a whiskey named after you!"
The horse looked puzzled and said, "What, Eric?"
Bar
Antenna
I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!
Puns
Lettuce!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's raining!
Knock Knock
Maths 69
Maths teacher asks a blonde girl what comes after 69?" Essex girl replies "you wash your face and rinse your mouth DUH...!"
School
I'm Telling You . . . .
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
Technology
Bush
How many George Walter Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Luckily, only 2. The world can't handle many more idiots.
Lightbulb
Pizza, Anyone?
From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75.
Technology
Yo Daddy
your daddies so old, i slapped his butt and his balls fell off
Dad Jokes
Comparing The Presidents
Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."
School
Bless
Knock Knock !
Who's there ?
Bless !
Bless who ?
I didn't sneeze !
Knock Knock
More Clinton
What's the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business?
The Oral Office.
Puns
Bike Tricks
A boy was trying to impress his mum on his new bike. He was going down the path and said to his mum,
"Look, mum, no feet!"
He then put his feet back on the bike and removed his hands from the handlebars. He then shouted,
"Look, mum, no hands!"
He then lost control of the bike and collided with a tree. His mum ran up to his side, whereas her son said,
"Look, mum, no teeth."
Bar
Fortification
Knock,knock....
Who's there?
Fortification.
Fortification who?
Fortification, we're going to Miami.
---------------------------------------------
Knock,knock....
Who's there?
Carl.
Carl who?
Carl get you there faster than a bike.
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Knock Knock
Phonebook Dilemma
Why are there no phone books in China?
Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.
Puns