Dry Cleaners
A lady was at the bar when a guy started hitting on her. She said "I'll send my pants to you from the dry cleaners, that way you can get into them on you own time."
Bar
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Little Boy Blue
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Little boy blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Micheal Jackson!!!!!
Knock Knock
Bacon in My Ear
A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Medical
Bill at a Baseball Game
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts.
"No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
Misc
Beaver
Save a tree, eat a beaver!!
One Liners
Jack and Joe
Jack and Joe are in a diner where there's a computer who gives advice to the people in the diner. Jack starts talking about how the two are going to graduate from high school when a young boy walks in. He explains his problem to the computer, which gladly offers him advice. The boy walks out happily.
The computer comes over to Jack and Joe. Joe asks, "Hey, how come you never help us with our problems?"
The computer answers, "I'm just a computer. I'm not a miracle maker."
Programming
Lawyer vs Dry Cleaner
Q: What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer?
A: The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.
Legal
Blonde Driving
A blonde was swerving all over the road, driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener."
Misc
Indecent Exposure
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.
"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."
"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"
Office
100 Dollar Bill
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Legal
Dolly Parton
Why can't Dolly Parton be a teacher?
Because every time she turns around she erases the black board.
School
Pressure
Q: Why do women fart less than men?
A: Because they won't shut up long enough to
build up pressure.
One Liners
Panther....
Knock-knock..
Who's there?
Panther....
Panther who?
Panth-er no panth I'm goin' thwimmin'!
Knock Knock
Little Brothers
How many little brothers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three- one to hold onto the bulb and two to turn the ladder.
Kids
Well, Hush My Mouth!
The judge read the charges, then asked: "Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No, your honor," replied Tommy. "I've got a lawyer to do the defending. I'm the person who did it."
Legal
The Anniversary
A very old man and a woman are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The man starts crying quietly. Touched by the mans sensitive side, she goes over to him, hugs him, and asks him whats the matter.
The man says, "Remember when we were 15 and your daddy who was a sheriff caught us? And remember he said I either had to marry you for what we did or I spend 50 years in jail?"
The woman nods.
The man says, "Well today I could have been a free man."
Relationships
Math
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
School
Work
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bach!
Bach who?
Bach to work!
Knock Knock
Top 10 Most Rejected Children Book Titles
1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator
2. Where to Find the Toys in the Oven
3. 101 Games to Play in the Road
4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork
5. Your Nightmares are Real
6. Monsters Killed Grandpa
7. All Guns Squirt Water
8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
9. If it's Storming out, the Best Place to Take Shelter is under a Tree
10. Dad's New Wife Robert
Dad Jokes
Dishes
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes me, who's you?
(This is me, who's you.)
Knock Knock
Praying
Why is it that when we talk to God we call it
praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic?
-Lily Tomlin
Misc
Cow With No Legs
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef!
Animals
Light Bulb
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish!
Lightbulb
Boy Scouts
How many boy scouts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three- Each to do one good turn daily.
Lightbulb