Playground
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
Animals
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Mathematicians
How many mathematicians does it take to replace a lightbulb?
Pi. 3 screw exactly a radius's length, and the last about-one-seventh screws it in all the way!
Lightbulb
One Day, Huh?
If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my Social Studies class; it would seem so much longer.
School
Playing With Our Words
A man's wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly the man's wife began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't wouldn't, didn't, can't!!"
The man said,"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?!"
The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
Puns
OK!
Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "OK"!
Yo Momma
Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doin?" his mother asked; "you can't eat them if the seal is broken."
The boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."
Animals
Feminists
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. The same as the number of men, you sexist bastard!
Lightbulb
Saturns Rings
Yo mama is so fat she used Saturn's rings as hoola-hoops!
Yo Momma
Mission Impossible
What do you call a movie about a man trying to make a blond smart?
Mission Impossible
Misc
Mad Cloud Disease
A couple of weeks ago the clouds over western Washington were moving to the west. Normally they head east, inland over the mountains to central Washington and beyond.
Scientists blamed the switch on mad cloud disease.
Puns
Irishman
What do you call an Irishman sitting in your backyard?
Paddy O'Furniture
One Liners
Punk and Old Man.
A man goes into a bar. He sits down and starts staring at a young punk with spiked red hair, multicolored clothes, and an earring.
The punk gets mad turns around and says, "Hey old man, what are you looking at?"
The old man says, "Nothing, it's just that when I was in the army, I got really drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son."
Bar
Why Elephants Need Locksmiths
Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!
Animals
What's the Difference...
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"
School
Lets Skip the Handshake
You know how, in the olden days, you were named for what you did? For instance, if you were a blacksmith, your last name would be Smith, if you were a baker, your last name was Baker.
It kind of makes me wonder what John Hancock's ancestors did for a living.
Deep Thoughts
Four Little Animals
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
Kids
Light Bulb
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish!
Lightbulb
Pile Up
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
I'm a pile up.
I'm a pile up who?
Yes, you are a pile of poo!
Knock Knock
The Worst Names to Have
This is a list of the worst names to have
Dick Hurtz
Hary Paratesticles
Mike Hunt
Mike Rotch
Anitta Manwhore
Anitta Johnson
Fuk Yao
Ike Anblow
Peter Pecker
I.C. Weiner
I.P. Freely
Seimore Butts
Bo Oobless
Dick Less
Issac Less
Tits McGee (ok, that was off Anchorman)
Ima Hornibusterd
Ima Uglibech
Ima Dick
Puns
Old Standards
Recently a family court judge was interviewing a 15 yr. old boy, asking him which parent he wanted to live with, his mother or father? The kid said he didn't want to live with either one -- that both of them beat him all the time. The kid said he wanted to live with the Dallas Cowboys -- they never beat anybody!
Sports
Dropping in Town!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin town and thought I'd say hello.
Knock Knock
Barbie
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
Kids
Phone Call
The phone call...
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?"
And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
Relationships
The First pancake
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson; "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
Food