Mechanics
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
Lightbulb
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
1/3 Multiplied By 3
An analyst, a pure mathematician, and a statistician apply for a job. The interviewer asks each of them the question "What is 1/3 multiplied by 3?" The analyst enters it into his calculator and replies that the answer is 0.9999999. The pure mathematician replies that the answer is obviously 1. Then, the statistician asks the interviewer "What do you want it to be?"
Technology
Golf
This guy and a girl were in a golf cart and the guy drops his tees out of his pocket and the lady asks what is he doing? So, the guy says: I put my balls on them and I drive them.
Sports
Seatbelt
I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes.
She then asked me, "Single click or double click?"
Kids
A Pun in One
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun." answered the other detective.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" asked the first detective.
"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"
Puns
How Does It Work?
An Engineering Major says "How does it work?"
A Science Major says "Why does it work?"
An Accounting Major says "How much will it cost?"
A Liberal Arts Major says "Do you want fries with that?"
Misc
In Hillary Clinton's New Book...
"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."
- Jay Leno
Relationships
Flower Bed
My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.
Puns
8 Men
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 8 men, One to get off the couch, One to find a lightbulb, One to find a ladder, One to screw it in, One to shock himself and shock everyone around, One to call a docter, One to find out that it wasn't out, the switch was off, and finally, one to sit back in laugh!
Lightbulb
Shoo Fly
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me," he says, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"
Puns
Oh No!
A man walks into a doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied. . . my belly button is out of order. . . I can't open my chest. . . I'm losing the leaves in my palm. . . somebody threw my waist in the trash. . . and my foot is only eleven inches!"
Medical
Why? (Makes Sense to Me!)
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Kids
Yo Mama
Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale she screwed it to the bottom of the floor.
Yo Momma
Quiz for Blonds
Name:_________
1. Finish this pattern: a,_,c,d,e,f (hint, B)
2. If you are standing, what are you doing? (hint, standing)
3. Finish the sentence: I am a blond______
4. Explain Einstein's theory, or spell cat
5. Are you writing with a pen/pencil or a tissue? (hint pen/pencil)
6. Spell the word chicken
Animals
Computer--Britney
My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.
Technology
Under Pressure
Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you moron!"
Medical
How You Can Tell Your A Redneck..
You know you're a redneck if you introduce a friend to your wife and sister and he only has to shake one hand.
Relationships
Kitten of the Dorm
My college doesn't allow pets in my dorm, so when I got a kitten I had the guys in my dorm refer to him as "the Book" to avoid suspicion.
One morning, as I carried the kitten out to my car in a crate, my girlfriend stopped me and asked, "where are you taking the Book?"
"She's getting Spayed today," I said.
"Hmm..." she said. "I guess that means no sequels!"
Misc
About Puns
Next time you start to groan at friend's pun, ask yourself: Am I just being jealous?:
"A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first."
--Oscar Levant
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."
--Fred Allen
"A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents."
--G. C. Lichtenberg
Puns
I Can Take It...
The man told his doctor that he just wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English... What's wrong with me?"
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're simply a lazy old fart."
"Thank you for your candor," said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I have something to tell my wife!"
Medical
Women's Problems
Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology (Gynecology)
HIMmorrhoid (Hemorrhoid)
Relationships
Memories
Yo momma's so old, her memories are in black and white!
Yo Momma
Too Sick to Come to Work
Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today.
When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Office
Disbarred
If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?
Puns