Oshakati Taxi Driver
What is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, & is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus.
Programming
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
If You Find...
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.
Sports
You're So Slow...
You're so slow that if you were a train engine, the caboose would be leading.
Technology
Friday
There was a guy he had to deliver a package to the nearest town which took three days to get there. If he leaves on Friday and arrives on Friday how is that possible? He doesn't stop to rest.
*His horse's name is Friday.
Animals
Reducing Salon
A tearful woman phoned a reducing salon to wail that her husband had just given her a lovely present and she couldn't get into it. The operator gave her an appointment and added, "Don't worry, madam, we'll have you wearing that dress in no time."
"Dress?" the matron sobbed. "It's a Porsche!"
Relationships
A Harvard English 101 Class...
A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.
The only "A+" in the class read:
"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Deep Thoughts
California
What happens when the smog clears over southern California?
UCLA
Puns
A Lawer in a Ambulance!
Bob and Joe, a couple of personal injury lawyers, were discussing conditions in the legal profession. "How's business?" asked Bob.
"Absolutely rotten!" responded Joe. "How have you been doing?" "Even worse," Bob replied. "I just chased an ambulance twelve miles and found a LAWYER inside it."
Legal
Little Girl and the Elderly
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
Kids
6 Animals.
A teacher asked his student:
Give me an example of 6 animals.
The student:
3 Lions, 2 Tigers , and 1 Cheetah !
Animals
Complex
"Madame," said the psychiatrist, "you haven't got a complex; you ARE inferior."
One Liners
Psychiatrists
"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!"
"Who listens?"
Medical
Split the Viagra
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra.
The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex any more as I am over 90 years old. I just want
it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Medical
New York
Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Misc
Behind Back
You're so fat that everybody has to talk behind your back!
One Liners
Russian Leaders
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don't know. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs.
Lightbulb
Glass
Yo mama is so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see the other side.
Yo Momma
Empty Stomach
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
Kids
We're The Ellawi
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, the interviewer described the person to his boss as rather monosyllabic.
The boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"
Thinking that his boss was just kidding, he played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.
He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
Office
Disbarred
If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?
Puns
Lone Ranger
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess."
Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?"
Tonto says, "Ear sticky."
Animals
Math
There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!
One Liners
What Do You Get?
What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vador?
An elevator
Animals
How Do You Fit...
How do you fit 4 gay guys on a chair?
Turn it upside down!
Technology