The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
1. Happy Anniversery!
2.You're wearing THAT to the party!!??
3.Do I look fat in this?
4.You didn't know it was my birthday today!?
5.Oh my god! Can't we just be friends!
6.Listen honey we have to talk... I think, I'm pregnant.
7.Here's 100 dollars!
8.Hey! Is it okay if some of my friends come over to watch football and we go crazy when our team loses.
9.Sweetie can we not do it tonight?
10.Honey I'm home! How have you been today?!
If it sounds like a duck, has a beak like a duck and feet like a duck, and swims like a duck, you still better make sure that it ain't a platypus!
Girls are in the shower for at least an hour.
Incredibly guys can take a shower in 5 minutes.
Very beautiful girls are seldom intelligent.
Even blond guys have some brains.
Married women marry hoping their guy will change.
Every man marries hoping their wife wont change.
Pretty girls can usually get what they want.
Unlike good looking guys who still have to suffer.
Some girls are actually great relationship material.
Some guys cant find those girls.
Courdory pillows--they're making headlines.
Did you see that movie about the pirate?
It's rated Arrr!
You're so stupid that you sold your car for gas money!
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."
Yo mama is so stupid that she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.
Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Acquaintance: A person you know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Bachelor: A guy who gets to keep all his take-home pay.
Pedestrian: A father who has teenagers who can drive.
Honesty: The fear of being caught.
Zebra: A horse prisoner.
A really really drunk man stumbled out of a local bar and right into the nun. Quickly the man punched the nun right in the face. Stunned the nun tried to run away, but the drunk just ran after her and pushed her to the ground. The drunk then proceeded to kick the nun repeatedly until the nun was begging for mercy.
The drunk leans down and looks at the nun and says, "Not so tough now, eh Batman?"
Yo momma so fat, she made weight watchers go blind!
Dad: Courtney, do you want penne pasta for dinner?
Courtney: No, but I'll have dime or quarter pasta.
A blonde, a red head and a brunette are all skateboarding and bragging about their best tricks.
The brunette says, "I can do a double impossible and a misty." The red head says, "Thats nothing. I can do a 1080 flip off a quarter pipe, then do a double double and land it without falling". Then the blonde says, "I dont know what the big deal is with all of you guys, I can do all those with no hands!"
A new jewelry store was opening for the first time. On the front of the store, there was a sign that said "Popular Prices". A man looked at the sign and walked right in. He asked the employee at the desk, "How much for that pearl necklace?"
"14,000 dollars."
"What? How are those popular prices?"
The employee replied meekly, "We like 'em."
Joe: I got a problem.
Ed: What's the matter?
Joe: Women. I just don't understand them.
Ed: Do you understand your TV?
Joe: No.
Ed: So what's the problem?
Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that is true."
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!"
There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
Doctor: Well I hope you enjoy changing diapers, Mrs Jones?
Mrs Jones: Why, Am I pregnant?
Doctor: No, you have bowel cancer!
Vacation begins when dad says. "I know a shortcut"!
What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead giveaway).
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."