The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
Do you know how old hags tell time?
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A witch-watch!
The new principal was talking to the teachers.
"Now, listen, my name is Mr. Prenis, with an "R". Please don't forget to spell it out clearly, so that the students dont laugh and such..."
The teachers assure him that they will remember it, and they go out to adress the students.
One of the male teachers steps up to the podium, and speaks into the microphone:
"Welcome, students, to another year at Rearview Elementary. I would like you to welcome your new principal, Mr. Crock..."
Mr. Bean: (crying) "The doctor called, Mom's dead."
Friend: "Condolence, my friend."
After receiving a phone call, Mr. Bean cries even louder.
Friend: "What now?"
Mr. Bean: "My sister just called, her mom died too!"
Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex.
Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please." The next one says, "and I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pulls two pints.
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he'd like to screw the tail off his secretary."
Yo Mama is so ugly, when she looks in the mirror her reflection ducks.
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
Q. How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hey, let's go ride bikes!
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Toby.
Toby who?
Toby or not toby that is the question!
Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party!
I would punch you but I couldn't make you any uglier.
How do you get a blonde to laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday!
You might be a redneck if your dad bought you a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for Christmas.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, it turned itself in.
A blonde is like a turtle. If either one is on their back, they are screwed!
She frowned and called him Mr.
Because in sport he kr.
And so in spite
That very night
The Mr. kr. sr.
Yo momma is so fat, it takes 2 toilets to fit one cheek!
Which fish is the most valuable in the sea?
A goldfish.
Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said To be Continued!
An RCMP officer pulled over a vehicle that had performed a rolling stop at a stop sign.
When the driver was told this, he replied, "But it says STOP, not STAY!"
Q: What did judge say when the skunk came in the court ?
A: Odor in the court.
How many cartoon characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
nine - three to find a light bulb, three to figure out how to remove the old one, three to screw it in, and all of them to complicate it!