End of the World
How long does it take a blond to change a lightbulb?
They never change it, by the time they've realized that it's broken, the world would of ended.
Lightbulb
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Three Bears
Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.
One Liners
Speeding
A blonde is speeding down a deserted street when she is pulled over by a police officer.
The officer very politely requests to see the blondes license.
The blonde very indignant replies, "You know what? I'm getting tired of you cops. You just can't make up your mind. Last week you took away my license, and now you want me to show it to you?"
Office
The Meaning of Dreams
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening, the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."
Relationships
Skittles
Yo mama so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles came out!
One Liners
Peculiarities
What is more peculiar than watching a catfish?
Watching a goldfish bowl.
Puns
Twelve Shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
Bar
Charity Begins at Home!
Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the United Jewish Appeal offices?
They got away with over a million dollars in pledges!
Office
Shingles
How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house?
It depends on how thin you slice 'em.
Legal
Lawyer
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their clients in the dark!
Lightbulb
Rain
Joel: "How's the progress on new house that you are building Pete?"
Peter: "Things are really slow at the moment."
Joel: "Yeah, I guess all this rain would be putting a dampener on things..."
Puns
Traffic Ticket
Once a blond police officer stopped a man and asked for his driving license.
She saw it and told the man "it says here that you must wear glasses"
The man said "I have contacts"
The blond said "I don't care who you know, you are still getting a traffic ticket"
Office
Psychiatrists
"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!"
"Who listens?"
Medical
Dropping in Town!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin town and thought I'd say hello.
Knock Knock
Funny Doctors
Doctor: Mrs Smith, you have acute angina.
Mrs. Smith: I came here to be examined, not admired.
Medical
How Many Dominicans?
How many Dominicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. Dominican one to hold the bulb and Dominican two to turn Dominican one
Lightbulb
Brains
Your dad has something wrong with his brain. After his appointment, the doctor says,"You have a spider, a termite, a pig, a cloud, a piece of poo, a tongue, and a camera in your brain so you'll have to have no brain for years." Then the doctor took operation on his brain.
Dad Jokes
Louvre
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with
stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, and getting
in and out past incredible security, he was
captured only two blocks away when his Econoline
ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!
Puns
Weight Loss
Yo momma's so fat, she has to go on three weight loss systems.
Yo Momma
Anal
Did You Know ....
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It is called the anal optic nerve.
It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
Medical
Carrots
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Animals
Philosophers
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3. One to change it and the other two to argue whether the lightbulb really exists.
Lightbulb
Shipping Department
Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get it changed overnight.
Lightbulb
Dumb C.E.O
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
Office