The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, "...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
A young lady immediately raised her hand and said, "Tell me, how do you make it last an hour?"
A man and a women are making love for the first time. "Cor what a small organ!" the women sniggered
"It may be small, darling" replied the man "but it's never played in a Cathedral before!"
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But...Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
Q. How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hey, let's go ride bikes!
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head & stormed into their room, putting
them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey Who?
Dewey(Do we) have to listen to all this knocking?
Yo mama so fat she can give the homeless a home.
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he.
On the way to the cleaning shed, he met a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.
The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"
A brother and sister are in a terrible car accident and the brother is badly injured.
At the hospital the doctor tells the sister, "His brain is dead, but his pulse is still beating."
The sister replies, "Oh no! We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
Your cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back!
How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One I hope.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
Q What has two legs, and bleeds?
A Half a dog!
What did the sick pony say to its mother?
I'm a little hoarse.
What does a blonde say when she loses her virginity?
"So are you guys all on the same team?"
Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.
Dad: Son what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread?
Son: I don't know.
Dad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread.
I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.
An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over.
"What seems to be the trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman.
The officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?"
To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!".
A man walks into a doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied. . . my belly button is out of order. . . I can't open my chest. . . I'm losing the leaves in my palm. . . somebody threw my waist in the trash. . . and my foot is only eleven inches!"
Have you ever noticed people who cough/sneeze/do just about anything they can to spread their germs to everyone and everywhere? Well basically their theory is make germs like forwards. Try to get them around the world in 40 days or less. Lets try to get rid of these people rather then the avian virus before there is an epidemic. So to all those classmates who sit behind you and refuse to covertheir mouths-Good day to you all. In the words of Tiny Tim "and to all a good night."
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain, and they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished that she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A little girl learned in school, that instead of words, pictures and symbols would be drawn to indicate something if words weren't understood.
Later that day, she needed to go into the bathroom, looked at two pictures, and went in one. A teacher asked her, "Why did you go into the boys' bathroom?" She answered, "The picture showed a person wearing pants, and I'm wearing pants. The other picture showed someone wearing a dress, and I'm not."