Frayed
Knock-Knock!
Who's there?
Frayed.
Frayed who?
Frayed no one's going to answer the door.
Knock Knock
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The Root?
What is the name of the baseball player who sits under a tree?
Babe Root!
Sports
Juan & Amal
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain, and they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished that she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Puns
Fritzchen II
The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, why are you always speaking of our Soviet brothers? It's 'Soviet friends'." Fritz responds: "Well, you can pick your friends."
School
You're a Redneck...
You know you're a redneck if:
1) You drive your house and sleep in your car.
2) You think a loaded dishwasher means your wife is drunk.
3) You have more than 2 relatives named Buh Buh.
4) You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.
5) You've been to a wedding reception at the waffle house.
Relationships
Terra?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Terra.
Terra who?
Terra reason you won't let me in?
Knock Knock
Paratrooper
PARATROOPER
A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.
"Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn't jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass."
"Well did you jump?" asks his dad.
"Just a little at first" answered the boy.
Dad Jokes
Gorilla
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!!!
Animals
Boomerang
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
Misc
Mind-mail
One day a blonde named Sharon was sitting at her till at the supermarket.
Suddenly, she had an idea that would change the world forever.
She had invented mind-mail!
She called over her boss and told him. He was astonished and said, "Go on then, send me a mail through your mind!"
She did as she was told, and sent him one.
The manager then said, "I didn't quite get that, what was the message?"
She replied, "I dunno, work it out for yourself!"
Office
Two Peanuts
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
Puns
How many gays?
How many gay people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
8, one to screw it in, and seven to stand back and say "Fabulous!"
Lightbulb
Duh
Yo mama stinks so bad that when she puts on her 'Secret' deodorant it tells! ha ha :)
Yo Momma
Information Service
Q: How many management information services guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to the light bulb issue.
Lightbulb
Skiing
On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?"
He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing."
Medical
How Many...
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Lightbulb
Law Professor
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Lightbulb
Warning- very corny!
What do you call a bear who's into gardening?
A Hairy Potter!
Puns
How Long?
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
Medical
Can't Catch
Knock knock
Who's there?
can't catch.
can't catch who?
me, you can't catch me!
Knock Knock
Think Fast!
A blonde's son was playing catch with his friend. The blonde was working in the yard, planting flowers and such. Her son was throwing the baseball back and forth with his friend when he suddenly smiled.
He threw the baseball straight at his blonde mom, and yelled, "Think Fast!!!" so the blonde said silently to herself, "Fast, fast, fast, fast..."
The blonde got herself hit right plop in the head.
Animals
President
Why did the first blonde president move out of the oval office?
She couldn't find a corner to put her stuff in.
Office
Pirate Movie
Did you see that movie about the pirate?
It's rated Arrr!
Puns
Clinton2
Did you hear Bill Clinton gave up playing his sax-a-phone?
He now plays his whore-monica.
Puns