Cellulite Surfin'
Yo momma is so fat, that every time you smack her butt, you can ride the waves!
Yo Momma
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Baseball Game
A woman was watching her son pitch in a little league baseball. He wasn't very good, walking all of the batters that came up to bat, but after every pitch, the mom was yelling wildy and cheering her wonderful son on. Because of all the batters he had walked, the score was 14-0 in the 1st inning. Finally, one little boy came up, hit a grounder, and made it safely to first. "Dang it," the mother muttered, "there goes his no-hitter."
Sports
Acid 2
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acidently on purpose!
Knock Knock
90210
Yo momma is so fat that the last time she saw 90210 is when she stepped on the bathroom scale!
Yo Momma
Buried
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Legal
Ugly Faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Kids
Scientist
How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. With all the technology that they have, its a wonder that they still use lightbulbs.
Lightbulb
Horseback riding
Joe: Hi Jack. How did you like horseback riding?
Jack: Not that much. The problem was that the horse was too polite.
Joe: Polite?
Jack: Yep. When we reached the fence he let me go over first.
Animals
The Circus of Congress
What do a circus and congress have in common?
They are both full of CLOWNS
Legal
Looking back on photos
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"
Kids
Get a Haircut, Momma!
Yo mama is so fat and lazy, that her hair-do has been turned into a National Forest.
Yo Momma
Grandma
Little johnny was heard praying in a loud voice a week before his birthday.
"Dear God I pray that I will get a computer game for my birthday!"
"Why are you shouting" asked his mother "God isn't deaf?!?!?!?!?"
"I know said Johnny, but grandma is!"
Kids
Wishing Well
A woman went to a wishing well and wished that she could become a better driver. So she turned into a man.
Relationships
You're So Stupid You...
You're so stupid that you sold your car for gas money!
One Liners
The Fruit and Vegetable
Vegetable: "Hey, lets get married."
Fruit: "I'm sorry."
Vegetable: "We could secretly get married."
Fruit: "No, we couldn't."
Vegetable: "Why?"
Fruit: "Because we can't elope."
Can't elope = cantelope
Puns
Noisiest Part
What is the noisiest part of a tree?
Its bark.
Bar
First Time
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
Medical
A Nurse Dies and Goes to Heaven....
A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck.
"Oh brother!" she cries. "Is that a doctor?"
St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."
Medical
Fritzchen
The teacher asks in school: "What is the most important thing in socialism?" The students consider and little Fritz (Fritzchen) answers: "The most important thing in socialism is the human!" The teacher: "That is a good answer, Fritzchen. I will give you a B-grade." Fritzchen is dissatisfied and responds emphatically: "Would you maybe give me an A if I told you what the human's name was?"
School
Tsunami Mommy
Yo Momma's so fat, when she jumps in the ocean, people head for higher ground.
Yo Momma
Shopping
I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady friend. We were walking past the furniture section where there were several different models of bar stools on display. Next to them there was a sign that read: "All models in stock now!"
So I paused next to the display and said, "Do you know what these are?"
"What?" she asked.
I said, "Stool samples."
Bar
Government's job?
What exactly does the government do?
They seem to complicate all the simple things while trying to do the opposite.
Animals
Egotists
Q:How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:Just one. He holds up the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
Lightbulb
Quack Quack
Duck #1: Quack
Duck #2: Quack
Duck #3: Quack Quack
Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3.
Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?"
Duck #1: "He knew too much."
Animals