The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go huntin'?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
What is the medical term for a woman getting a sex change?
An adadictomy
(add-a-dick-to-me)
"Teacher, I can't do this problem!"
"Any five year old can do that problem."
"Damn! No wonder I can't do it! I'm almost ten!"
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!"
The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
Q: What is black and white and green and black and white?
A: Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle.
Q: What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and down?
A: A nun churning butter.
What did the clock say to the wristwatch?
"I enjoyed tocking with you, but now you're starting to tick me off."
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says 'Look at that dog with one eye!'
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says 'Where?'
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate.
"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
How many cats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Cats can't hold a light bulb
Q. What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
A. Hailing taxicabs!
Q:What do you call a 500 pound Russian that can bend you like a bendy straw?
A:Sir
Once there was a girl who wanted larger breasts, so one day she went to see her doctor, Dr. Smith.
Dr. Smith told her to rub her breasts and repeat the following: "SCOOBIE,DOOBIE,LOOBIE, I WANT BIGGER BOOBIES".
One day she was running late, and decided to do her exercises on the bus when a guy came up to her and asked if she was a patient of Dr. Smith's, to which she replied: "Yes, how did you know?".
He replied "HICKORY DICKORY DOC!"
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things.
First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:
Manslaughter!
Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!
Q: Why did the boy wear a diaper to the party?
A: He didn't want to be a party pooper.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.
Lottery, a tax on people who can't do math
Kid says to mom:"The babysitter's an angel! She was naked in the garden and screamed God I'm coming! Lucky daddy was holding her from behind to keep her here!"
A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast, and everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However, one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lives," came the reply, "and he wouldn't have made it."
I Hate you
you hate me
barney gave *****(1) H.I.V
so we kicked them in the balls and
shot her in the head
now that *****(2) bitch is dead
anii stars ***** men add someones nae or add an adjective to fit i.e -
*****(1)fred
*****(2)ugly
A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date. The dad says, 'Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.'
The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, 'Dad, Jesus had long hair...'
And the dad replied, 'Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn't he?'
Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it.
Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said: "You're not going down there by yourself at this hour."
Just as I was thinking: "How thoughtful of him", he added, "Better take the dog with you."
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Are you,
Are you who?
Are you going to let me in or not?