The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A guy walks up to a doctor and asks: "What type of questions do you ask people to decide if they are retarded or not?"
"I ask questions like; If you had to empty a bathtub that was full of water, and I gave you a teaspoon, a bucket, and a cup, how would you get the water out?" "Oh I see," the man said, "a sensible man would use the bucket because it is bigger."
"No, a sensible person would pull the plug."
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!
Q:What happens when two frogs collide?
A: They get tongue tied
Q: How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A: Unhoppy
Q: What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?
A: A rubbit
Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
A: He liked a good croak and dagger
Q: What happened to the frog's car when his parking permit expired?
A: It got toad
Yo Momma so hairy . . . . .
she has to have a hair trapper in her kitchen sink.
Your momma is so poor I saw her kicking a cardboard box down the street and when I asked her what she was doing she said "Moving!"
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the mechanic.
The mechanic, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have some fun.
So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, blondes usually screw in cars!
The cop got out of his and walked up to the kid who was stopped for speeding. He rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Two guys walked into a bar... you would have thought the second one would have ducked.
How did the redneck die drinking milk?
The cow sat on him!
Ever been to KFC? Ever notice that sometimes their toilets do not provide toilet rolls? Reason being that they uphold their motto: "It's finger licking good!"
A guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?"
"$80 a tooth," he replies.
"For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient.
"Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower.
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
A blonde and a brunette are walking along the sidewalk, and the brunette says she is dying of thirst and wants Dr. Pepper. The blonde runs across town into the nearest hospital and asks the receptionist for Dr. Pepper. The receptionist says OK, and hands her a bottle of soda. The blonde says, "What do you think this is? A Joke? My friend is dying and needs to see Dr. Pepper right away!!!"
Q. Why do young blondes carry goldfish in their
pockets?
A. So they can smell like old blondes.
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how Old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"
A few minutes later, Tony returned.
"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.
"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony.
"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."
Your mom is so fat her picture fell down.
Everyone has a photographic memory, you just don't have any film.
A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house.
While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, 'Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?'
The kid says, 'Daddy told me you were a self-made man.'
'I am.'
'Well, why did you make yourself like that?'
Why did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!