The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A man noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice. The man thanked his caller and politely asked his name before hanging up.
The next morning at four o'clock, he called his neighbour back. "Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."
Where does Superman's goldfish live ?
In the superbowl....
"Mommy, I hate my sister's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!"
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."
The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."
The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."
The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"
"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."
When the phone rang, she excused herself from the sofa. A few seconds later she rejoined her male companion.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you."
What do you call a blond with half a brain?
Gifted.
Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the
bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come
out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you
are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!
Teacher: Johnny, where is your homework?
Johnny: Its on Facebook. I've uploaded a copy and tagged you. Please login and verify it later.
You might just be a redneck if your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Many employers motivate workers with bonuses. Some offer gym memberships, a few even supply day care for their working mothers and fathers. Our bosses go a step further. A sign posted in our break room read:
New Incentive Plan . . . Work or get fired!
+ You dance and it makes the band skip.
+ You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
+ You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
+ Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
+ You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
+ You could sell shade.
+ Your blood type is Ragu.
+ You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
Yo momma is so fat when I put her on the family tree the branch broke.
Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the middle ages as the dark ages?
Betty: Because they had so many knights.
A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, "Darn it, I said up."
While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.
I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"
The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."
If it is dry - moisten.
If it is moist - dry.
Congratulations, you are now a dermatologist.
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What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
OK, let's consider the physical evidence.
The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.
Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway
Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" "What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. "Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'"
The Englishman and the Scotsman both walk into a bar.
The Irishman ducks under it.
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Everyone knows that common phrase, meaning, 'COME ON, I NEED TO GET LUCKY!' Well, whenever I need to get lucky, I say,
Daddy needs a new pair o' pants!
(Come on, winter is coming!)
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to give him a boost.
A woman walks in to the hospital to visit her husband.
She talks to the doctor, and the doctor says,"I have bad news, and worse news."
The woman starts to cry, asking for the bad news first.
The doctor replies,"The bad news is that your husband only has 24 hours to live."
The woman starts to cry even more, and now asks for the worse news.
The Doctor now replies,"The worse news is that I have been trying to contact you since yesterday."