The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
"Mommy, I hate my sister's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!"
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone..."
Little Katie was at Sunday school one day. The teacher asked the class "Who is someone in your life that worships God by always speaking His name?"
Little Katie raised her hand and said "The fifth grade teacher at my school! Every time we pass by her room on the way to art I hear her say "I swear to God I have the worst behaved class in the world!"
Molly wrote a letter to Santa Claus one day.
Dear Santa,
Please give me a Workout Barbie and a new milkman because he is sleeping with Mommy.
Love,
Molly
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded.
"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a sight of resignation as she was heard to mutter, "Well, fuck . . . I guess that's why no one was at church today."
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back
You are so stupid, you took a ruler with you to bed to see how long you slept!
Why was everyone at the fancy King Crab Night Diner arrested?
They were breaking the claw! So punny!
Teacher: Jimmy, use the word "handsome" in a sentence.
Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya?
Teacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word "gladiator" in a sentence.
Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator.
Ben Dover
Mike Hunt
Phil McCrackin
Ajock Strap
Anita Cock
Ipe Freely
Seymour Buttes
A teacher asks a first grader a simple math question.
TEACHER:" If you had 50 cents in one pocket, and you asked you dad for another 50 cents, how much would you have?"
STUDENT:"50 cents."
TEACHER: "You obviously don't know how to add."
STUDENT: "You obviously don't know my dad!"
Inside i could hear a lot of bass noise pumping. I went outside to see what it was and i found out it was a drummer practicing. I went inside and told my family that the player made a mistake and said dammit. My brother said "I wonder which band it was?"
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
What is grosser than gross?
When a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice!
Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol;
At polyunsaturates, I'll never mutter,
For the road to Hell is paved with butter
And cake is cursed and cream is awful
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
And Lucifer is a lollipop,
Teach me the evils of hollandaise
Of pasta and globs of mayonnaise;
And crisp fried chicken from the south
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Doctor, doctor. I think I need glasses.
You sure do, sir. This is a flower shop.
You've Got The Wrong(est) Number
(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school's number.)
Me: "Thank you for calling. How may I help you?"
Customer: "How much for my daughter?"
Me: "Um..."
Customer: "She's 16. It's her first time. She needs training."
Me: "Sir, I think you want the driving school."
Customer: "Oh, what do you guys do?"
Me: "Adult websites."
Customer: "Oh...OH! Oh my God!"
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!