The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
Knock-Knock!
Who's there?
Pencil.
Pencil who?
Pencil fall down if you don't wear a belt.
A young couple decide to have sex for the first time so they go to the store to buy condoms. They find a popular brand and bring it to the register. The price on the box is $1.00 but when the cashier totals up the price it comes to $1.07. The couple asks what the extra 7 cents is for. The cashier replies back "tax." Then the young man says "I was wondering what held it on.
Billy turns up at school very late one morning, and the teacher asks the reason why he's late.
"Sorry, Miss, my dad got burned."
"I'm sorry to hear that; I hope it's not serious," she replies.
"Oh, they don't piss about at the crematorium, Miss!"
An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
One day at a school for the deaf (hearing impaired), they decide to have one of the students lead a pep rally for the football team. Here's how it went.
Rally leader: What are we gonna do?
Ralliers: Defeat them!
RL: I can't hear you!
R: Defeat them!
RL: I can't hear you!
R: Defeat them!
RL: I can't hear you!
R: Defeat them!
RL: I can't hear you!
Why did the blond have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out lightbulbs!
1) How does a blonde kill a fish?
She drowns it!
2) How does a blonde kill a bird?
She throws it off a cliff!
3) How does a blonde lose 5 pounds?
She takes off her make up!
4) Why does a blonde wash her hair in the sink?
Because thats where you wash vegetables!
5) What did the blonde think of her new computer?
She couldn't get channel 9!
Boy: Will you marry me?
Girl: Are you kidding? You're a geek while I need a man with a big bank account and a nice house!
Boy: I have 1000 GBs in the cloud.
Girl: Come on, that won't even buy us a cabin in Texas!
Boy: You don't know sh*t, my EC2 account can buy a farm in New York if you wish!
"Did ya hear I got married?"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! She's ugly!"
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She's rich."
"Oh, that's good!"
"No, that's bad! She won't give me a cent."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She bought me servants and a big house"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! The house burnt down."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She was in it."
A drunk phones the police.
He yells, "Come quick! Thieves have stolen my dashboard, steering wheel, brake and gas pedal, and my dang radio!! MY RADIO!!"
The police are just about to send out an officer when the drunk phones back.
He says very calmly, "Sorry officers. It turns out I just got in my backseat."
A man is bitten by a rabid dog he found wandering in his yard. Frantically, he rushes his computer and begins typing something. His neighbor walks in, and mentions to him that he need not worry, there is a cure for rabies.
He replies, "I know that; I'm finding where George Bush is right now!"
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
What did the clock say to the wristwatch?
"I enjoyed tocking with you, but now you're starting to tick me off."
A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for sometime at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A cat's dictionary.
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human Being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies, but out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it."
He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Accordion.
Accordion who?
Accordion to the t.v., it's going to be cold out.
"He's great on the court," a sportswriter spoke of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But how's his academics?"
"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a just little crooked."
As an architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car, a surgeon, waiting for his own car to be repaired, walked over. They introduced themselves, and began talking about their lines of work.
"You know," said the architect, "I sometimes believe a mechanic's work is as complicated as the work that we do."
"Perhaps," the surgeon commented. "But let's see him do it with the engine running."
"Daddy, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard!"
"No wonder I didn't hear him!"
"Are you sure you don't want some Novocain?" asked the dentist.
"I'm sure," replied the maharishi. "I wish to transcend dental medication."