The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
I broke in to a gun shop last week. I didn't know that the owner lived on-site. He must have spent every night for the last ten years thinking of what he would do to the poor, hapless soul who would try to break in. I pointed my gun at him and he held up a grenade as he ran at me. I should be able to breath again in a few years. The old shopkeeper is dead, but, man, he got a hell of a laugh in before he left the world, Kamikaze style.
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.
The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
How many gay people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
8, one to screw it in, and seven to stand back and say "Fabulous!"
Knock-Knock
Who's There
Hatch
Hatch Who?
God Bless You.
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
What do you call an Italian Cop?
Guinea Pig
One day God said that he would grant anyone in line a wish. This one guy got stuck at the back of the line, which made him kind of upset.
The people before him went on through the line, and everybody wished that they could be beautiful. The last guy came up to God and said, "I wish that all the people that wished they were beautiful were ugly again."
The next time that you're last in line - be happy.
Ways To Annoy People In The Computer Lab
Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting.
Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
A horny old trapper named Rex
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck
His dick never got stuck,
But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.
Join the Marines: Visit exotic places, meet
interesting people and then kill them.
California Version
The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es un problema serio."
A drunk stumbles into a confessional.
The priest on the other side hears someone enter but yet the man does not speak.
So the priest knocks on the wall of the confessional and hears the drunk say, "Forget it buddy, theres no toiletpaper in this one either!"
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five.
Yo mama is so dumb she brought toilet paper to a craps game.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink, so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!" After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
There is an old lady driving on Interstate 22. A police car pulls her over and explains to the lady she is going 22 mph. She said, 'I know, isn't that the speed limit?" The officer said, 'No, this is Interstate 22'. The police officer looks in the back seat and there are three children looking quite ill. He asks her if they need help and she explains, 'No, we just left Interstate 119."
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"
Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald(I swallowed) my gum!
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police.He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has lick-her (liquor) license.