The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Teacher: Jimmy, use the word "handsome" in a sentence.
Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya?
Teacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word "gladiator" in a sentence.
Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator.
"I'm having trouble with this new hearing aid," said the man to his audiologist.
"Really? Can you describe the symptoms?"
"Sure. Homer is fat and yellow, Marge has blue hair..."
Q. What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu?
A. You get Bullshit.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Are you,
Are you who?
Are you going to let me in or not?
A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.
His lawyer argued, "Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years."
"Your Honor," the plaintiff's lawyer retored, "if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years!"
Barry calls his boss. "I'm having problems with my eyes."
"What's wrong with them?" his boss asks.
"I just can't see myself coming into work today."
How are opera singers and sailors alike?
They both have to handle the high seas(Cs)!
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"
Teacher: Name an animal that lives in the tundra.
Pupil:A reindeer.
Teacher: Good, now name another one.
Pupil: Another reindeer.
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded.
"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a sight of resignation as she was heard to mutter, "Well, fuck . . . I guess that's why no one was at church today."
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"
It has been determined.
The most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool, and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, "Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were?" "Yeah," says his mate, "It's probably because they've got toys to play with."
Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery?
You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!
How dod the person take over the remote?
Yo momma so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
Once, a man walked into a bar. He went up to the counter and ordered his drink. The guy next to him had a bowl of chili that he didnt seem to be eating.
"Sir, could I bother you for some chili?" he asked very politely.
"Go right ahead" he responded, passing the chili.
About half way through, he saw there was a rat at the bottom of the chili. In repsonse to this he puked the chili back up. At this time the man next to him stared.
"Funny thats farther than I got," he said.
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.
"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
"You're under 21," replies the barman.
Why did a blonde take an empty glass and a glass full of water to bed?
She wasn't sure if she would get thirsty during the night.
Heard over the hospital public address system:
Due to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning.
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What in the hell is anal glaucoma?" he inquires.
"Well, I just can't see my ass coming to work today."
Soccer Coach: Why didn't you stop the ball?
New Goalie: I thought that was what the net was for!
Doctor: "Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work."
Patient: "But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!"