Police
Kock-knock.
Who's there?
Please.
Please who?
It's the police! Open the door!
Knock Knock
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
What Is...
Q: What is black and white and gooey and creamy?
A: A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding.
Q: What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound?
A: A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer.
Food
Two Words
A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years; and then they could only say two words.
The first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His two words were "too cold".
The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his two words were "bad food".
The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his two words were "I quit".
"Good," they said, "all you have done is complain."
Food
After School Snack
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake
Kids
Bravery
What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
Misc
Aerobic Instructors
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Lightbulb
What's the Difference?
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Legal
A Wrinkle in Time
A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.
"Did God make you, too?"
"Yes," the grandpa said.
"Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays."
Kids
You Know You're A Redneck If...
You hear crack is illegal and you pull up your pants.
Someone yells "Hoe Down" at a dance and your wife falls to the floor.
You use newspapers for more than 3 uses in your home.
Your family tree is a wreath.
If your home is mobile but the 4 cars in your yard are not.
Your father gave you this advice, "If you can't keep it in your pants, at least keep it in the family."
The last thing relatives say before they die is, "Hey Ya'll! Watch this!"
Food
Grey poupon
A man drove up to a beautiful lady at a stop light. She was in a nice Porsche.
He asks her, "Excuse me, miss, you have Grey Poupon?"
"I sure hope not, I just got my car waxed; damn those birds."
Relationships
Richard laughs
You're so fat Richard Simmons laughs at you.
One Liners
Add Ons #1
You're pretty... pretty ugly!
You finally figured out how to screw in that lightbulb, but the power went out.
You're smart... smart as a fencepost!
Lightbulb
Laughter
Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper...
It doesn't permanently solve
any problems, but it makes things
more acceptable for a while!
Misc
Water
How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it!
Misc
Telephone Bill
Dad to his family: The phone bill is exceptionally high. You have to limit its use. I don't use this telephone. I use the one a the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this phone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use the home telephone. I always use my company mobile.
Maid: So what's the problem? We all use our work telephones!
Dad Jokes
Two Cows
Two cows were standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
Animals
Sign
Laundromat sign:
Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
Misc
Raking Leaves
Q. How did the blond injure herself raking leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree!
Misc
Hungry Bats
Two Vampire bats are in a cave, both very hungry. The first bat goes out looking for some food. He comes back later with nothing.
The second bat tries not long afterwords. 5 minutes later he returns, blood all over his face!
"Wow!" said the first bat "You must've had a big meal, where did you get that?"
"Well, can you see that large redwood over there?"
"Yes" replies the first bat.
"Well I bloody well didn't."
Animals
What's the difference?
What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
One Liners
He...
Knock knock.
Who's there?
He.
He who?
He who must not be named, so don't say it!
Knock Knock
William Tell
It's a little known fact that William Tell and his son were avid bowlers as well as archery buffs. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so it may never be known for whom the Tells bowled.
Puns
Entry Fee
A little girl and her father decided to go to church, because her father wanted to introduce her to the Christian World. As they sat down, a collection plate begins to be passed around. As the plate came to the girl's father, he searches his pockets for money. Then his daughter whispers in his ear, "Don't worry Daddy, I'm already free and covered.... I'm under 5."
Dad Jokes
Half Drunk
A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife.
"What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?" she yells.
"I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money," he mutters.
Bar