Warning: Holes
I heard they were going to name a highway after Willie Nelson in Texas...
But be Warned: When taking this highway look out for pot holes!
Puns
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue...
Roses are red, violets are blue, If I can use technology, why can't you?
The sky is blue, the grass is green, why is your brain as small as a lima bean?
Your humorous, funny, have OCD, How come you can't use technology without me?
I love you, I love you, I really do, but roses are red and violets are blue.
Technology
Pulling Hair
A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry at your sister," the mother says. "She doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling, and her brother says, "Now she knows."
Kids
6.9
A boy asks his dad,"Dad, what is 6.9?"
The dad answers, "69 interrupted by a period!"
Dad Jokes
Closet
What do you call the skeleton of a blonde you find in a closet?
1950's Hide-n-seek champion.
Misc
Toenails
Yo mama's so big, she had to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!
Yo Momma
Dog Ugly
Yo Mama was so Ugly as a child your granddaddy had to put a pork chop round her neck so the dog would play with her.
Yo Momma
Centipedes
What goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
Animals
A Side Order of Blondes
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.
Misc
How Many Wizards Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Wizards don't use lightbulbs!
Lightbulb
Perfect Climate
The perfect climate is in bed.
One Liners
How Many Presidents...
How many presidents does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'll only promise change.
Lightbulb
Strongest Days?
Q. What are the strongest days of the week?
A. Saturday and Sunday, because all the rest are week days.
Puns
Belt Size
Yo momma is so fat her belt size is the equator.
Yo Momma
Grizzly Fish
What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?
A Bearacuda.
Animals
The Wizard
So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.
This continued until he put up the following sign:
"This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."
Puns
Madame
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Madame.
Madame who?
Madame foot is stuck in the door!!
(My damn foot is stuck in the door.)
Knock Knock
Well...
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Well Water
Well Water Who?
Well Water You Waiting For? Open The Door And Let Me IN!!!!!!
Knock Knock
Actual Headline
An actual headline: "Include Your Children When Baking Cookies"
One Liners
10 Things in Golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Sports
Humpty Dumpty
Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty.... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped!
Yo Momma
Duh...
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Someone too short to ring the doorbell.
Knock Knock
Moles
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."
Puns
Yudare
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Yudare.
Yudare who?
You dare to disturb me,while I am sleeping?
Knock Knock